Take a Look in the Mirror and don't walk away until you fall in love with yourself!!

This morning talking to one of my friend guys.. He was asking me what was really going on in my life. He had been getting signals from my Facebook Statuses and he wasn't happy about it. I gave him the run down and he said this...
"u don't love yourself enough bc u keep allowing yourself to be hurt from the same type of situation...remember people don't change they just become more of who they really are! So go stand in front of your mirror and don't move until you fall in love with the person u see in it....."

This got to me, because I am one who always say I love myself daily.. I truly believe I love myself. So this got me to question myself.. Do I really?

I think that I am a ok looking woman.. I work hard to provide for myself. I am a loving person. I help people when I can. I don't ask for much. I live day by day with optimism.. So where am I failing? I don't think that I am a failure... I try to live my life right..

I just want to feel.. I want to feel LOVE.. I want to feel WANTED.. I want to feel BELONG to.. I don't think that is not Loving myself. Yes, I have allowed people to continue to hurt me. I think that is cause I am easily to get hurt. I play strong but I am so into my emotions anything can trigger that.

It's a process everyday to learning how to give myself props. I haven't hurt anyone in my lifetime as I know of. So I will never say it is Karma. I just believe when I LOVE someone I LOVE them. Getting over the hurt and pain always seem to live longer than the relationship.. It's the reasons behind it, I believe.. I am a good person. I give my honesty, my Loyalty, and all the respect in the relationship. I am starting to believe it is ME..I has to be. People LOVE me only in spurts. I said this before and I am going to say this again.. I am not CUT out for this. Even though deep down inside I crave it..

So I am going to work on How to Love me More... I must have lost the memo on it..
Have a great and wonderful Sunday.. It is beautiful here in SC..

Just one of those Days!!

Over the last week.. I have been up and down.. 

I am glad that I am having more good days than bad.. I thought I was about to loose hope in all things...

For one I am still having issues with life, friends, and work...

I cut all ties with those two that were being messy... I had to delete and erase them from my life...

So in due time they will be a faded memory.. I can't deal with Dikthrust women.. 

I had just last night I had to also SHOW someone the ROLE they wanted to play in my life. They cheated on me (well never left their last) then have the nerve to still try and treat me like a GIrLFrienD.. It has gotten to the point I had to break it down.. I was trying to hard not too.. I value the friendship but since she is having a hard time separating that friendship from what we had in the past.. It no longer exist either.. Yea I am dropping these ishes like flies.. 

I am still learning.. I have always be the one that suffers in all this.. I got to STOP dealing with these folks.. 

I just wonder when I am dead and gone, WHAT WILL I BE REMEMBERED FOR… Everyone always tell me how wonderful of a person I am.. How my smile brightens everyone up… So if this was the case… Why I sometimes feels I am not noticed or my feelings doesn't matter..

I hate when the very person that has hurt me and broken me, tells me… “You hurt my feelings!” I don’t get it neither do I can  process the thought. I hurt your, feelings?   To even hear those words rubbed me the wrong way and changed my whole MOOD…

I don't know what people expect from me.. I used to try and figure it out.. Now I know there is no way.. I plan on stop trying. I let things and people get under my skin to quickly and to often.. I know now why my blood pressure stays on the high side. 

We been having one of those crazy weather patterns lately.. Yesterday we had ice and freezing rain.. Today it is warmer and the sun is out.. LOL  It's just nuts.. I guess it is going right along with the way I am feeling.. Sometimes Sunny and Sometimes Gloomy.. 

I am going to go and finish updating my site.. That black and white was driving me coo coo.. 

It is Christmas time again.. The year is almost coming to an end.. I am not in the place that I was in this time last year.. I was floating on CLOUD NINE last year.. I in a place of pure bliss and I was living my dream life.. Yes that life turned out to be just that a DREAM!!  

Once the new year came everything went down the drain.. I became again.. A NON Factor in a person's life that I fell in love with. I sure know how to pick em.. Right?  Well this Christmas I am not only not in the mood for Christmas.... Christmas is such a giving and joyful time of year.. Well me... I have nothing to give.. I am also not in the joyful state of mind. 

So far I have only brought my mother, god daughter, and my auntie a gift.. Even my mind is at an stand still.. I used to know what to buy people.. I used to be on top of my gift giving.. Heck I have the tree up and have yet to wrap a gift.. 

I hate the mood I am in.. I wish I didn't go through these emotions and feelings... I just want to be in a great state of mind mentally and emotionally... In due time a guess..  I am going to try and make that one of my priorities for the new year.. I don't want to go down the same path again.. I am so ready to live life and stop it from passing me by..

Although I am a loner and I tend to isolate myself from the world.. I hate the feeling of loneliness.. When the holidays come around..  I think of having a special love... Today I was telling my moni that I am angry.. I am mad at myself.. I am mad at the fact that I was blind sided.. I am getting older.. I want that intimate family..  Me and that special love of my life.. The kind of love that their main reason for waking up everyday is me.. 

I will continue to be patient though.. I will also keep in mind that I am truly blessed to have loved in my life if it doesn't come my way again...

I am wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.. If I don't post anything else this month.. 

                                                                      graphic from "Mediaatvictory.com



I am starting to get tired of being Misunderstood.  I don't get why people think I suppose to act one way... I don't get why people refuse to listen to my side of things.  Some feel like I complain a lot. Also think that I need to just suck it up and get over it. In some cases that could be true. I have a right to feel though...

As you all know I lost 3 people that I was close to right when I started dating my former SOS. The people I went to have a good time with. The people that I went to when I needed a friend to talk to.. The people who kept me company when I was down and depressed... I NO LONGER HAVE THOSE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

Since I've been out of work due to my surgery. I been to myself. I can't hang out.. Even if I did, who would I hang with. I have been getting a little depressed again. I have too much time to myself. So when I have that time, I THINK A LOT.. Me and thinking don't get along.

So today while talking to my Former SOS.. I became kinda PISSED... I wasn't mad, but I wasn't to happy. We were talking about how I have been acting lately. Yea, I haven't been in the best of moods.. It has nothing to do with the reasons she feel is the problem. She thinks I need to get out meet people and start back doing the things I did before I met her. (she fail to realize) I can't do those things at this moment and time. I am still in recovery. I am still broke.. I no longer have local friends.  As of late she has been dishing that out.. Well DUH!! You are part of the freaking reason..

I can make up and try to reconcile my friendships.. Why though? It was some hateful, rude, and embarrassing things that were done and said. How can I get that friendship back? What if I decided to get involved again in another relationship? They might start tripping again... I don't need that...

What I need for them to know... I have every right to feel the way I feel... You think you know me... Seriously you don't....