Just let it be..

The other day something was brought to my attention... Someone that is close to me is having concerns about someone that has been spending time with me. See she knows our past. I know that she doesn't like him well just because of what he has done to me in the past.
I take her concerns in to consideration but she is unknowing of the extent of me and his relationship.. The last few years since I been taking care of my mom he has been the constant person here. He checks up on us.. He sometimes spend the weekend with us and he gives me money if I need items like personal stuff and food. I have appreciated his company. When every one walked away or barely check up on me I know he will be there..
I'm not quite sure what to call him but my friend.. We been through hayal and back with one other.. True he sometimes make me sick but in other times we have alwAys had each other back.
She too has been there for me. She also helps me out when she can but when she calls and checks up on me it is mostly to find something else out about me or someone else. I love her but just let it be..
I'm ok right now with the dynamic of my life. I don't have time to go out and meet new people. I don't have time to put in for a new relationship.. He knows me, he knows what I like, and I'm willing to put up with him for the time being.
I  don't think anything is going to come out of this but he is my friend that I was once madly in love with.. I have had my life ripped from me so if he brings me some type of happiness and joy can I just enjoy it.. It's feels good to have interaction with a male after just taking care of mom all day. A man's touch had become non existence I'm not perfect nor is he but I'm 25 years of friendship with him. We been through it all and we remain in each other's life.. Just let it be.

When there is nothing else but to let God...

I had to just come and write tonight.. Today has been such an amazing day full of hope and promises.. 

I had the most in depth, heartfelt, spiritual conversation.. 

Me and the man I've been calling my Bestest over the years.. 

Let me introduce my Bestest.. 

He is an amazing man who is often misunderstood even by me.. :)

He has been one that even before MC was someone I knew was going to always be in my life. 

He brings out the BEST in me and sometimes the WORSE when he pisses me off. ;) (who doesn't from time to time)..

Well in the past we have always been very close friends.. We have  always been able to talk about anything.. Have a debate and agree to disagree.. He is one man that keeps me in my place.. You know I am someone who always got to control every situation and he makes sure to give me an reality check. 

I LOVE this man to the MOON and BACK..

He is my Ying to my Yang..

I speak highly of him.. I guess you all are wondering why this isn't my husband.. I wonder that myself.. I believe in time he will be the one that walks me down the isle. Until he will ALWAYS be my BEST FRIEND the man I call my BESTEST.. 

Anyhoo I hung out with him yesterday.. I tend to always sleep over from time to time when I need to get away from home.. 

This morning waking up and seeing him, something came all over me. I mean I was feeling some type of way and I had to talk about it.. 

Over the years I have been burned by people.. Whether it was work, church, friends, and family.. So I discussed my concerns.. I have been on this spiritual journey over the last few months.. He has always been a spiritual person himself.. When ever I was in a test of faith mode, he was the one I always had turned to..  

I just say this.. When a person can cry, pray, and laugh together... REMAINS TOGETHER!! 

I never experienced this with a friend or family before..

It was like GOD was really speaking through our conversation today.. We shed tears, amazement, and had a very moving moment.. 

Then to hear Tracy, you are the one.. Never think that you aren't.. I am ready for God to lead me to you and be front and center of our relationship/friendship.. I love you and I know you love me.. So lets let God lead our direction..

(do you all know how that made me feel) I NEVER in my life had a man nor woman say that to me.. 

I started crying again.. Then laughed because I saw how serious he was.. Then I felt bad because I thought he was joking at first.. But this man is serious.. So we are going to see where this road is going to lead us.. Just know you all.. I am Happy to still have my BESTEST in my life.. 

I have learned so much from him and he has learned a lot from me.. It just seems in time.. Our paths or going to be going the same direction.. No rush just enjoying life on my way.. 

I Release You!

To my Past Loves & Lovers:

Today I release the pain that came with involving myself with you.. This is my Open Letter to you all.

Over the years I held on to the hurt, the pain, and the scars. I wasn’t allowing myself to grow pass it all.

I became the product of each and every one of you made of me.  I held on it for so long I myself believe I might never be able to Love again.. I won’t say that some of it never caused me to become a bitter woman. It has, and for that I have to RELEASE you. I thought holding on to it would guard me from falling for the wrong person again. The truth be told, it allowed me to keep falling for it. I was just a girl that later became a woman that wanted to be loved.

I release you because I want to live again. I release you because I want to find the LOVE that at one time I thought was impossible to have. To have the life I envision for myself has to one of Unconditional Love. A love that, every day is a BEAUTIFUL day because my love is right there with me and in my heart.

I won’t say being with you was all bad. We had our good days. I learned from each and every relationship. I want you to know, when I said I loved you. I did.. I was loyal, faithful, caring, understanding, and was there no matter what. I wanted the same from you all.  Even though our relationship ended I still carried the love in my heart.  I no longer hold unto the anger.. I forgive you; this is why I have to release you.

I wish you all well as some of you may be moved on, married, and living the dream. I hope that you too learned something from me as I did with you all. Take care be Blessed and know that I THANK YOU ALL for what we shared.. The Good and The Bad… The woman who once Loved & Cared

The Truth Never Hurt Anybody... Not me anyway...

Today I became fed up with a lot of things.. When I feel that I am being lied to.. It came make me become really angry... Over the last few years, I have put up with some people where truth is hard for them to tell me. I know from experiences when I person lies to me.. I have became used to it.

Well the guy that I met a few months back via Facebook and Friends.. (he happens to know a lot of people I know personally)... We hit it off right off the bat.. He seems to be cool. I also see him as a good friend.. As I stated before, I am not looking for a relationship at this time. I am still trying to find out what will make me happy... Anyhoo.. When we started hanging out and chatting.. I asked him a few questions that I always ask a man...

1. Are you married or been married?
2. Do you have kids?
3. Where do you work?
4. What are your likes and dislikes?
5. If you are single, do you live with anyone?

He had answered "NO" to all the above. So I was like cool.. I live with my mother right now... I work a lot, but I don't like too.. Also I don't drive at this time, still trying to save to get a car.. I also love my family and friends... I like to hangout with them as much as possible...  I laid all my stuff on the line.. It is no reason for me to lie or fake the funky.. The "TRUTH" always come out in the long run... 

A few weeks had passed.. I started noticing things.. He told me he works 2 jobs.. So I was like since we don't get to see each other much.. Why don't you call me when you get off work.? He never called.. He went out one night.. I again asked him to call when he got in the house.. I even asked him since I was in his town, may I come over..  This man told me no to coming over.. He also "NEVER" calls me when he is at home.. It always while he is working or in his car.. 

So you know me.. I am like this fool lives with someone.. So I started asking him over and over to be HONEST with me.. So you know most men.. He is starting to think I am crazy.. I don't think I am though.. See he is talking like he wants to get to know me.. He is even acting like he wants a relationship... So before I fall for this cat.. I want to know the TRUTH.. 

Tonight I asked him to call me.. He never did,.. He just sent a text.. I told him you better tell me right now.. I am tired of this guessing game.. DO YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE?  He finally told the TRUTH.. (at least he wants me to think that). He tells me he lives with his Aunt.. I was like ok.. What was so hard about that? I still believe there is something else to this.. Why living with your Aunt equals to you can't call me from your house?  I WANT THE TRUTH DAMN IT....

If you can be with the one you love.......... Don't try dating...

I have been dating for a few weeks now. I guess you can say a few months. I decided to get out of the rut and get back into the swing of things. Life doesn't wait for anyone. So I had to get a life. I enjoy the time I have been spending with that person. It is just my heart is really not into it. I am still in love with Cooper. My heart, mind, and body still is with him. I have tried and tried to get over him and enjoy what I am going through.

I have been honest with the other person. He knows that I don't know if I will be able to love him. It is a good thing that he is understanding. I think if I didn't tell him, it would be very hard to deal with me. He told me that he has been in this type of situation too. He told me that it took years to get over a love. In some ways he still love the woman.

It has came to a point where he is falling for me. I truly don't want him too. Is that wrong? I don't want to treat him the way Cooper treated me. I don't want to say, "I don't love you the way you love me". I am going to tell him that we might need to slow things down until, I can get a grip. I hate to loose him though. He has made this transition be so easy for me.

This is becoming one of those complicated and awkward ordeals. I can tell this is going to turn into, Let's be friends...