If you can be with the one you love.......... Don't try dating...

I have been dating for a few weeks now. I guess you can say a few months. I decided to get out of the rut and get back into the swing of things. Life doesn't wait for anyone. So I had to get a life. I enjoy the time I have been spending with that person. It is just my heart is really not into it. I am still in love with Cooper. My heart, mind, and body still is with him. I have tried and tried to get over him and enjoy what I am going through.

I have been honest with the other person. He knows that I don't know if I will be able to love him. It is a good thing that he is understanding. I think if I didn't tell him, it would be very hard to deal with me. He told me that he has been in this type of situation too. He told me that it took years to get over a love. In some ways he still love the woman.

It has came to a point where he is falling for me. I truly don't want him too. Is that wrong? I don't want to treat him the way Cooper treated me. I don't want to say, "I don't love you the way you love me". I am going to tell him that we might need to slow things down until, I can get a grip. I hate to loose him though. He has made this transition be so easy for me.

This is becoming one of those complicated and awkward ordeals. I can tell this is going to turn into, Let's be friends...

It's My World...

It's been a long time since I've been here. I will be blogging just a tad here..(until I get my site back up)

There has been a lot going on in my world as of lately. I tell you, people change sometimes for the good or the bad. As of right now, my changes are for the good. I don't know about the other people.

I finally let go of the one person that was holding me back. It was things that was done and I can't change them. I also vowed to be celibate. It was a stretch from something that came deep within.

I also lost some friends over the last few months too. I don't know what came about it, but I am cool with it. If they tend to leave for no apparent reason, they were never friends to begin with. I never been one that don't give people a reason why I stop talking to them. I am so straight forward. I believe that could be some of the reason.. LOL

The saying " It is my world, you are just a visitor.." Well this is the life I am leading now. I have for so long put people before myself. Look at what has happened to me.. I am left by myself. I have no trust in anyone anymore. I look to my family and God to be on my side. Everyone else are just people that come by for a visit every blue mood.

I strive for happiness.. I am going to get it too. Over the last few month, it has been a pleasure that I can focus on just myself. Although I have someone that is ill and wants me to be there for them. I am there only for emotional support. I would hate to be ill and not have someone by my side. I understand what it feels like to be left alone and out in the cold. I just can't do other people the way they do me.

There will be no more trying to reach out to people. There will be no more giving all my energy to others. There will be not more people stealing my joy away from me. It is my world now... I am going to be happy, free, and loved... It will be with or without help from anyone else.

Nothing to say...

I haven't been here in a minute. Well I have gotten into my I DON'T WANT TO BLOG funk again. It isn't anything personal. It is just I don't see fit to write about stuff that hasn't changed in my life. I am living a boring life right now. I go to work and basically come home.
I am cool with it though. I have so much going on in my brain I just don't have the words to say much of anything. I learned my lesson and now I am KIM... (Keeping it Moving). I barely blog on my own website now too. I am in the process of changing the format of it anyway. I don't think it is going to be blogging as much. Yet other things in life that interest me.
Trying to connect with old friends back in the day. I have missed so much of what was going on in their lives. It is good to be on facebook. I think that is where I spend most of my time. Heck, you can tell I have no life because in my free time I am playing a game over there.. Yo'ville. I think I am so addicted to it. I feel it is because I can escape this harsh world.
People are so freaking errrrrr.. I am not going to go on into a rant.. Remember I have nothing to say right now... LOL

My Thought of the Day.. Friends with Benefits...

My thought of the day has been on my minds for years. I can not quite get the point of some people. The conversation I had with a good friend from the past triggered me. It fired me up last night. So then this morning I went to ask a few more men about the subject.

I am talking about men and maybe some women who wants only sex and nothing more. Come on people, where is the respect in that. I am so FREAKING tired of that lifestyle. Who in the hell ever came up with it? It is on the same lines of this Independent Woman shyt. I don't like it what so ever.

In my early 20's, I went out with a few dudes. I kicked it with them and maybe one or two I screwed. It came a point where I had to put a stop to it. I wanted more and they was saying crap like it is better just the way it is. I was like huh? How is it better? Is it better because you can go out and screw whom ever you want and not have to answer to anyone else... Well to those who are willing to suck themselves on that and taking a chance of catching something, go right the hell on. My door will not be opened for you...

So back to a friend of mine, he was saying that he was wanting to find someone that he can screw from time to time. I told him to go out and find a girlfriend. He was like Hell Naw, I don't want that. So I was getting confused. Cause who is just going to screw a man and her not being his girlfriend? He said I want... A Friend with Benefits... I said, what woman wants to be in that type of relationship.. I told him go out and find a steady WHORE... He just better make sure he has more money in his pocket.. A dick aint just enough when it comes to that type of relationship. He said he can't handle the more that a woman wants. He don't want the drama that comes with a relationship. He likes his own space and freedom.. I think those type of men are COWARDS.. They don't know how to be a real man. He lacks how to treat women with respect. So whore hurt him in his past and he don't know how to get out of that rut..

So once I got up this morning I call the King of I don't want a relationship... I asked him what is it with men and not wanting to commit themselves to a woman. His big answer was, I am scared... I was like how in the hell a grown ass man can be scared? He said if his feelings get hurt he gonna cry or something. I asked him he don't want to get hurt but he is constantly hurting the females. He said he aint doing such, because he told the woman before hand he didn't want one.

I think men and women need to stop playing these games with one another. If you don't want a relationship, then don't pursue that person. If you just want sex go buy a crackhead or whore... I am so tired of the mixed signals. I am so tired of the saying, Friends with Benefits. I am a woman who wants and needs more. I want a friend, a lover, a companion, security, and commitment. I don't need a man on the side.. I don't need a booty call. I want a man to be mine and all mine.
So I say no... to this...

My Thoughts of the Day... Suicide..(It gets better, Believe me)

I never has something like this happen this close to my family before. I have been depressed before. I even had these thoughts. I am sure many of you have. I am thankful that I have the Lord and my family on my side. Also with the help of a few friends, this may never be my option...

Monday my cousin (my crackhead cousin half brother) tried to end his life. He hasn't been himself in a few years. It seems when he came back home, he couldn't walk the way he used to. I am not sure of the cause of it. I never knew of him until a few years back.

Since I've known him he was on the strange side. I didn't think much of it because he was raised up north. You know us Southerners think alot of Northerners are strange. Heck it is goes both ways. So I did my part and speak when I saw him. Matter of fact the last time I saw him was on Mother's Day. He was at my Godmother's house.

On Monday when my mother came home from a funeral. My aunt called and said that her neighbor had saw the police talking to my cousin and he was shot. Well the acts of violence has been going on a lot in this town as of late. The Crackheads and Thugs are running wild. So when my mother finally got in contact with my Godmother the news was different.

To come to the point he shot himself. He also said to the police that he was waiting to die. Someone called the police and he feels that is why he didn't die. He is now in the hospital getting the help that he needs. I hope that they will also find out why he wanted to do such an act on himself.

Depression and Failure seems to always be the reason of people having suicidal thoughts. I just want anyone out there that might read this. It truly gets better. The only thing you need to do is think better about yourself. God will carry it through for you. Don't worry about other people. It is you who makes your life worth living for. So please talk to someone. They have phone numbers posted everywhere. If you are afraid to call on anyone, kneel down and pray... God truly does listen...

My Thoughts of the Day... Squatters (Neighborhood Trash Collectors)

I have called the city councilman. I even called the trash collectors. The nasty neighbors that I had has finally left the neighborhood. It was from a family of Mexicans to Crackheads.

The landlord of those houses cleaned them up. He is not my landlord. His houses are across the street from ours.. One day while I was outside he wanted to talk to me. He asked me why is it so hard for him to find good tenants. I told him I wasn't sure. He might need to start getting a background check.

I am going to get back to the point. When he cleans up these two houses he leaves the trash at the side of the road. It has been there for the last 2 weeks. Just imagine what it smells like outside right now. It has been hot and raining. Today he came and took even more stuff out of the crack house. I wish I had a camera that I could show you all this mess.

Now the Mexicans wasn't so bad. I think they left a chair, mattress, and couch. The Crackheads left ever freaking thing I think that they had. It looks like a hot funky mess and I am so ready for the trash people to come and get it.

It is a family of I know about 8 live a few blocks away from me. I believe that one couple in the family are brothers and sisters and they have kids together. Well they go around the neighborhood and always pick up other peoples trash. I tell you these are the most un-kept people I have ever seen. They even smell really bad.

After the landlord left, I think the whole family came up like a pack of ants. They even had a shopping cart full of stuff. I mean I was getting sick to my stomach. The main reason was because the prior owners were crackhead prostitutes. I saw them get bags of clothes, tables, microwave, and the filthy mattress. They were getting other peoples trash..

I don't downgrade anyone.. I just hate to see people having to live like this.

My Thoughts of the Day.. Crackhead..

This is something that I write about a lot. I have this discus with Crackheads. I think it is because of the person I love is on it. My cousin has been doing crack since I think crack came on the scene. It got so bad to the point I wrote an insulting poem about him. I frankly don't like him anymore. I will though continue to pray for him.

He has done so much to this family that I just want to choke him. He walks around like it aint nothing. He tells us he isn't doing it. Yet he still walks around all day smelling of funk.. Crackheads has this wet pennies smell. Then when he moved back down here he started walking around with Cracker Crack hoes. I call them that because they were stopping every car that came down the road.

Yesterday I had to go off on him again. He truly makes me SICK. His mother has been diagnosed with cancer. She can barely walk, and all he wants to do is smoke crack. It is a shame that a person would allow themselves to get to that point. I think I love myself to much to put anything in my system that would affect my health and beauty.

A crackhead doesn't have any emotions. They don't care about the people lives they are hurting. I sometimes feel why should I even care about them. Well I do and I wish that they will seek the help they need.

"You let go and I'll let go too"

Over the weekend I got the reality check that needed to be cashed a long time ago. It was the fact that MC truly doesn't believe in OUR future. I had hope that the man I love would one day see that we could be good together. I was hurt but I tried not to let anyone see my pain.

Hearing those words... Tracy, I don't love you like you love me... It felt like a knife shot straight to my heart. I couldn't believe those words. All these years he claimed to love me. All these years I dealt with the emotional pain he put on me.

He really had me on a emotional roller coaster from the start. I would just look to the left and say, He loves me though. We would break up many times and still end up back together. He would have a change of heart, but my heart was still beating for him. It makes me think of the EX-Factor song by Lauryn Hill.. A few of those verses was really me and MC.

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will


No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

I don't know what is to become of us. I truly don't know what is going to become of me. I do know. I never saw him act this cold until this past weekend. I saw the look of I am through with you. I saw the look that I can't keep on living this lie with you. We never been so disconnected in the whole time we been together. So yea... He let go.. I am going to let go too...

My Thoughts of Today:Keeping up with the Jones'

I tell you I never knew these people. I know the Jones family I do know.. I never wanted to be like them. This is a popular saying that I hear so much these days. I always heard this when I was a child. My mother and her friends talking about someone they knew.

Who are these Jones es anyway? I wondering what and how they got the things that they have. What is it about them that makes people want to be like them. They must be Billionaires. Cause they have the cars, the money, the house, and everything you can imagine.

People want the things that they have. They sit around and envy this family. If the Jones family get a wide screen.. The Anderson family goes and get a tv bigger than that. Not worrying about the fact that they might go into debt.

Here is the History of the Saying....

The phrase was popularized when a comic strip of the same name was created by cartoonist Arthur R. "Pop" Momand.^[1] The strip debuted in 1916 in the New York World, but strips appear in collections dated as early as April 1, 1913. The strip ran in American newspapers for 28 years, and was eventually adapted into books, films, and musical comedies. The "Joneses" of the title were neighbors of the strip's main characters, and were spoken of but never actually seen in person. Read more Here Wikipedia...

I tell you.. I have always wanted to meet these people. I do know I try not to buy anything I can't pay for or afford... What about you? Do you try to keep up with the Jones?

My Thoughts of the Day... Domestic Violence..

My thoughts of today is one that is the Hot Topic right now. It is Domestic Violence. I for one don't think it is right for anyone to be abused in a relationship. I do know that I am tried of hearing the Rhianna and Chris Brown story. I feel they need to work things out for themselves. If she chooses to be with the man, then everyone else needs to back off. I tell you she really isn't listening to them.

I myself was in a relationship like this. I was being mentally, emotional, and physical abused. It wasn't fun at all. I tried to talk to people about it, and no one wanted to listen. I became a person I never thought I would be. An weak and confused woman. I thought the man loved me. I stay for a couple of years, but I ended leaving him one cold December day in 1998.

He was the type that wanted things his way. I am the same way though. So when he didn't get his way he would try to take it out on me. After we ended out relationship, he tried saying that he never abused me. See I would always fight back with something. Heck one day before Thanksgiving he tried to fight me. I ended up throwing a frozen turkey @ him. It hit him in the leg. He knew not to mess with me that night. I wanted to stab him up so badly.

His abuse was so bad to the point, I needed to go to seek help. I mean real mental help. So I don't wish this on anyone. I do wish that it is more places out there for women and men who are being abused by their mates. I so wished that I was able to received help when I was asking for it. His abuse cause me to loose a baby. His abuse cause me to have low self esteem. His abuse made me bitter.

Say no to Domestic Violence..

My Thoughts of Today.. Men Who Can't Love..

It has been 48 hours since I last talked to him. Over the last few weeks it seemed that everything was going fairly well. I don't know what and why, I haven't received a call back from him. Frankly I don't care. I called a few times and today, I left a message.. "I will not call back".

I am serious about this. I am tired of always being the loyal one. I am tired of always being so concerned and what not. Well I take it he does not want to talk to me. It is his choice and I am not putting a gun to his head.

I represent a woman that loves and care about the future. Not just my future alone, but the future of the man I love. He always had commitment issues. I never tried to force it. I just tried to deal with it time and time again. I think he has gotten used to the fact that I always there. Always there when he need to feel loved.

Well you know there are times that I need to feel loved myself. Lonely nights are not so wonderful, if you know what I mean. Living far from a person the only connection you have is a simple phone call. When that becomes non existence you feel neglected. So you start to question the last conversation you had with this person.

Well I stopped years ago wondering what I did wrong. I know that it has never been me in the first place. I have always been upfront, understanding, and loving. I try to put things into place. Then his actions becomes so contradictory. One minute I am the love of his life. The next minute he wants to be freed of me.

I wrote on my other blog a few weeks back about how I am not so independent. It was a conversation I had with him. He was mad because he wants an Independent woman. Now note ( I take care of myself. I have raised myself since I was 14. I work and pay my own bills. I never asked him or anyone else to do jack shyt for me). I just feel in a relationship, there are things that a man should do.

It kills me when a man wants to be treated like a man, and then turn around and act like a punk. It boggles me, what are they thinking... You have to act like a man to be treated as one. Ya feel me?

I had this book for awhile now Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart".
I started reading this book today. It has been on the shelf for a few years. Heck it has been on the shelf since me and MC first meet. I see where the author is coming from. I have put myself in this type of relationship over and over again. I used to think it was me. I know this is not the case.

I had an ex once tell me after we were together for 8 years, You are like a wife and I am not ready for marriage.. This statement has stuck with me for years. I know I am not a perfect person, but damn, it makes me feel like it.

It goes to show you that some men rather be with a whore than a good woman.. I will never be that. So if it means that I must remain single, I'll be that...

My Thoughts of Today.. Stop Staring...

I tell you I think one of the things that bother me the most is someone staring at me. People didn't your parents tell you that it is not nice to stare? Today I witness a few kids just looking at this person and wouldn't stop. I couldn't figure out why those kids was doing it.

I know for me if someone looks at me that hard, I always ask them is there something wrong. If I am in a bad mood, I might say, What are you looking at? I just think it is so impolite to stare. Am I wrong in feeling this way?

I also have a problem with eyeballs. I am death scared of them. I can't really look at this picture above. So of course you know I don't want anyone eyeballing me. I think unless Lil Wayne, or David Banner is the ones that are staring.

I think the whole thing it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I think like do I have something on my face, a bugger in my nose. See you never know.. So please don't stare at people.

My Thoughts of Today.. Valentine's Day

What a day that most people spend money on things that makes you fat or can die... I am talking about Valentine's Day. A story that has a lot of mystery behind it (History of Valentine's Day).

I for one think that it shouldn't be a Valentine's Day. If you love someone then you should show it every day while they are still living. I really don't care for the gift part of it all. Just someone calling to see how I am doing, or just saying I love you. That is good enough for me.

I am allergic to Roses and that is the main flower for the Holiday. I also don't like how it cast out with Black History month. (selfish I know)...

Me and Cooper talked about how he feels Valentine's is not for men. It is a holiday that a man suppose to show the woman how much he cares for her. I think that is kinda true. It is hard to find a man a gift on this holiday. All the pink and what not is not a good gift for a manly man. A card is about the only thing that you can give, without him going ballistic.

I just don't care for the holiday. I don't see the big deal. I don't knock anyone who does. You know mainstream can suck you in at any time. Some of my friends think it is because I am single that I don't care for it. I tell you even when I had a man, It wasn't a big thing for me.
I hope that you all enjoy Saturday.. I will be working and seeing all these people spend all this money on Candy and Flowers...

My Thoughts of Today... Perception

I just got to say this.. I have been looking at different sites and I tell you, I don't always like what I see. I don't like how some sites really portray Blacks. It is hard as it is to find comments for other sites with the African America theme. So when some sites that aren't ran by Black Artist you tend to get something like what's pictured. I know that there has to be some copyright issues along with this too. I know Gabby wouldn't say anything like this.

Do we really act and say some of the things that they put on these comments? I saw one, I am a Pimp and I got a lot of juice. Now I know Nelly made a song awhile back with Pimp Juice (was it Nelly)... So do people still think folks go around and say Pimp and Bling still.. I thought we lost the Bling in the 90's.

They had on with Ashanti on there saying Made in the Ghetto... I like to fell out of my seat.. Do people think that all Blacks come from a Ghetto? I tell you not all of us have.

I just feel that we have to try and try to get a better image for ourselves. Yes we are living in a country now that has a Black President. Things are looking so much better for all of us. I want the negative, illiterate, and insulting to stop.

Just because of a few (more than a few) want to go out and make asses of themselves, doesn't mean all blacks say or act this way. Sometimes I do blame Hip Hop and Pop Culture for some of the things.

I have always been a person who is very careful how I present myself. I wish everyone else was the same way...

My Thoughts of Today... Being Patient

I been here thinking.. I have been up and down with the love of my life. I have always been patient with him.

My past with him has been so so. I do know that even at the worst of times I still loved him. I promise him I would practice being even more patient.

He is one that hasn't had many women in his life. He was sorta of a shelter and shy boy growing up. He witness the relationship between his mother and father not be so good. So sometimes I think it is a deeper issue as to why a relationship is so hard for him. His father wasn't always around and when he was he wasn't there for his kids. Yet the love his mother had for his father never changed. If he did wrong she still was there for the man.

I kinda feel like his mother in some way. I wouldn't have put up with the things his father did. I do know my love for him is even stronger as we aren't together at this moment. I have learned in my past, that a man isn't always ready when the woman is. You can not force it just let it flow into place.

I have over the last 5 years been letting things fall into place. I think today was one of the days that my patience has paid off. It hasn't gotten the results that I wanted. It is still shows some progress. Today I heard the words that I been wanting to hear for the longest... Tracy, I am happy to have you in my life... It was weird and I had to wait for a second to let it all soak in.

The most ironic thing was those words was told to me by his mother in a dream last night. I had a dream that me and him got into it at his mother's house. She said, You better stop acting like that. She is the best thing that ever happened to you. You outta be happy she is still with you. So when he told me this I was so dumbfounded.

I am still being patient and I am not jumping back into to something with him. I am going to wait and see how things pan out. He is and I feel will always be the love of my life. Have you just ever found someone that you can feel totally comfortable with? I have that with him, even if we aren't in a relationship..

I am letting things fall into place. I was blessed when God gave me the gift of patience. Good things always come to those who wait.. I am willing too...

My Thoughts of Today... History & Future

Freedom is never given; it is won.
-- A. Philip Randolph
Oh how good it feels right now to be a Black living in America. This has been such a long time coming for us. I know there are going to be challenges and we are going to face some uncertainty. I do know we have finally saw some change since the days of old. I never thought in a million years that America would even let a man with few drops of black blood into the White House. This is just all to surreal to me at this point.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream. All we ever have is now. -- Bill Cosby



Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better.
-- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today we are celebrating Martin Luther King Jr, life and legacy. I think he is looking down on us and saying, Freedom at last. The long hard road that he had to travel to get us here. It took long enough, but it became a reality to us all last year. Don't get me wrong we are going to still have some injustices. I just know that now some are seeing us as People/Humans.

So our History brought us today.. I thank all those before me that paved the way to make our life just a tad bit better. The old saying goes, you never know where you are going until you know where you have been.. My theme of this year is progress.. We are definitely getting there...

My Thought of the Day: Selfishness

I just don't know how in the world people live this way. I am one that can be selfish. I am just not like this. I had to witness someone that I am very much close to show their true colors.

True enough I am always there for my friends. True enough they always expect me to be here. I just don't like when they come off as I SUPPOSE to be here.

Last night I was enjoying a very enjoyable evening with a person. I mean the whole 9. I wasn't coming home until the next day (today). I needed this time out. I needed to enjoy myself, since lately I have been so down.

I had a friend that is going through something. I feel for her, but the way she came at me last night, was a result of her being selfish. I was out having a good time. She was also out having a good time.
Well she wanted me to drop what I was doing and come home. So she felt I picked her over a man. I don't think that was true. I was having a freaking good time.
So I told her just go to my house and stay the night. She said NO, I am not staying at your house without you there.
How about I get a text from her around 5am. Wanting to know how can she get into my house. So this whole argument started at 8:30pm. So this meant that I was suppose to cancel my date around that time and she doesn't show up until 5:00am in the freaking morning... Hell Nah... She was just being selfish.

I am so tired of my friends thinking I suppose to jump up when they call. I have to live my life. So those who are trying to rule their friends life, get over it..

Stop being selfish.. Your friends got to have a life too...

My Thought of the Day... Myspace Mugshots...

I am having a real big problem with Myspace right now. See I think that people should be very careful of what they put up. I really don't want to see half of the things I see when I am surfing...

The other night I was looking for some local friends, you know Network... Well I came across a bunch of pictures of Men using their arrest mugshot as main photos. What in the Heck?

What is the reason behind of all that? Is that something that is suppose to be good. Can someone please take a decent picture of those people? I know everyone has camera phone these days. The price of digital cameras are going down. I don't know anyone, but family members will add those people to their friend's list. I mean come on now.. I don't want to befriend a person who is glorifying being arrested. I just shake my head at it all...

Then these women and even some young girls with the booty pictures. I think that is just to much. It is even some women who also have pictures of their kids posted up. This one incident was on my ex page. I was leaving him a comment. I saw this chick with her legs wide open with some rusty color red panties on. I told him about it and he deleted. I was like the next time you talk to that chick, please tell her to learn how to respect herself. Just close them legs and put on some pants.

I know that a lot of people do this for attention. It is just not what I want to see when I go on a site. If you want your booty and crotch to hang out go to a adult only site. If you think being arrested is something of the norm go be a pen pal to a inmate. It is just not kosher..

The only mugshot that I think I can deal with is... This man right here.. He to me looks good in any picture.... LOL

I'll Be Back Soon....

I'll be back soon.. It has been a rough 3 weeks for me. It has been work to relationship problems. So it was hard to keep it pretty positive as in my thoughts of the day. It became to the point, I would have you all sobbing or ready to jump off a bridge..
So please bare with me.. I will be back to normal soon..