So tired of fighting...

The last few days of my vacation has made me sour...  I am tired.. I mean really tired... This time off work got me a few days to collect myself.  I figured out what is really wrong with me. I am really and truly an emotional wreck.  I can't handle the things that I thought I could.  Growing up I always got my way. Now it seems that any slight thing I want for myself doesn't even happen.

I fight for love, I fight for respect, I fight for my dignity.. It seems all of it fails. So why am I here? Why am I standing here with nothing but the ground and me?  For so long I tried to show myself as a loyal and happy person. Yes sometime my mood does come out. Overall I am always the happy go lucky person.. A woman that don't show her weakness or feelings. In act as if I am a storm that never gets defeated.. 

Boy was I wrong. Everything came over me yesterday. Dealing with the bull my crush laid on me. I swear I tried with him too. I believed that he really did want the same things that I wanted. Oh well, his lost I say. I don't regret anything though. It was all good while it lasted. I've known him all his life.. I will know him for the rest of my life. He help me see where I need to be.

Then going back to where I felt was a turning point in my life.. Wondering what went wrong and so forth. It is coming down on me. There is something missing.  It is A LOT missing in my life. I don't dwell on it though. It just makes me wonder, what did I do that was so bad.  I have people in my corner but it still seems like I am the only one standing.

Just today I broke down and cried most of the day. I woke up this morning with a call from someone that I told to leave me alone. I don't believe he got the message, so I had to lay it on him again. When you treat someone as badly as he treated me, why in the world would you want to remain friends with them.  I just don't get his logic.

I am hold on to my faith now. They say trouble don't last always. So maybe one day.. I will see the beauty in all this. I don't know if this trial is a strengthening tool. It seems like I am so weak right now.. I am giving up.. It is what it is... It will be what it will be... Whatever happens, I just got to deal with it and not run away or sugarcoat it...

Life... what many lessons it teaches us...