My Thoughts of the Day.. Loving a Woman...

Yesterday I was thinking about a few things. What brought it to my attention was first reading a Blog.  Rippa's blog was talking about how the media is talking about why there is so many Black Single Women.  He touched a note about Black women should start dating other women or animals. Rippa is funny like that. He makes you think about a serious topic in a different light. 

Later in the evening I watched Desperate Housewives. Katherine started having dreams about her new roommate. As she was trying to kick the woman out of her house she confesses. Then when the show was about to end, they are in the bed together.

So I started thinking could this be? I have always been attracted to women. I just kept a lot of it to myself. Mainly because I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how my family would react to it. Although my family are so cool and understanding. I already feel that I have let them down in some ways. I don't want it to become a BIGGER issue.

Is it the reason behind all my unsuccessful relationships with men? I first noticed my attraction to women when I was 12 years old. In high school I secretly had a relationship with a girl until 3 years after high school.  It was a very loving and passionate relationship. Then when she felt that it was wrong she left me. Even stopped being a friend to me. I still love her. A lot of times I catch myself thinking of her.

I wonder am I being true to myself? I know I am one that tries so hard to make relationships work, even if I am not happy. It is not a sexual thing. I had enough of that no one (until now) really knows. I truly feel I need a woman's emotional embrace.  I don't want people to think this is just a phase that I might be going through. I have been living with this over 20 years. I learned the art of suppressing the feeling. Deep down inside it kills me.
I am starting to think it wasn't the men that drove me to feel like this.  I just understand that it wasn't what I was truly looking for. I wasn't being fair to them or myself. You just don't know How Many Times, I have asked God to deliver me from those feelings.  It upsets me that people are so hard on Gays& Lesbians. They deal with so much and then having to deal with the way people talk about them.

I still love men.  I still want that family. I just wonder where I suppose to turn. With whom is my heart going to lead me? I am so confused right now.  I just hope that one day my mind will be fully clear to know.