Today I was watching Oprah. She had Tyler Perry on the show. He put all his truths out there. I hate to hear stories like this. I feel no child should be abused emotionally, physically, or sexually... A child needs to be loved and cared for. These such events can really change a child's life. Just like Mr. Perry said, that child died when he was young. You tend to loose the person who your were. You try to become something more.. In order to survive you have too..
For me I don't have much of a recollection of my childhood.. I know I told my mother about it a few weeks ago and it made her really sad. She said all kids should remember some of their childhood... I don't and it upsets me that I don't. The things that I do remember are little things mostly whoppings and getting my hair braided.. I even told my mother I don't even remember her growing up... It was always me and my Granny..
When it comes to my pre teens.. I know all to well those horrors..
I can go back to at least the age of 8 or 9.. I remember doing things that a child my age shouldn't even know existed.. I was masturbating... WTF I had a brush that was pink at the handle and I remember I used to go in the bathroom every chance I got.. Why is this part of my childhood I remember most?
I remember talking to my childhood friend about a year ago.. She remembers the things that I did. She told me that she has forgiven me.. I was looking at her all clueless, because to this day.. I don't know exactly what I did to her... All I remember is that she moved and I never saw her again until I was graduating high school.. I never saw her again to ask her what it was..
Then when my pre teens came. I looked like I was around 16to 18.. I was 11 or 12 and tall.. I was fully developed. I was assaulted by my best friend's bother.. He made me feel good and bad at the same time. See I do remember growing up, my self esteem was shot to hell.. I always thought I was ugly because of my height. I always hatted that I had these big ole breast too.. Soon after that event they moved and nothing was never really done about it. All my grandmother would say is Pray on it.. I think this is why I really am not a religious person..
I wanted my mother back then. She always provided for me. She was always a hard worker.. My thing was when she did have free time, it wasn't really with me. She dated this man. He was a good man though.. He took me to school everyday.. I would always have one hell of a birthday or Christmas. My mother and him made sure of it. It was just that at night my mother didn't stay with us. She stayed with her man.. It would be me and my grandmother at the house... My grandmother was a strict old woman.. She loved me and I know she just wanted what was best for me. I just needed and wanting my mother to give me some type of direction. My grandmother was all that Old School type of raising.. She didn't understand the change of the times.. See this was the mid 80's... She was still stuck in the 60's when she was raising my mother and them...
I have always wanted to be NORMAL.. I never truly felt that I was.. See even during this time, I started noticing that females turned me on. I had crushes on young boys and such.. I just knew in the back of my mind a female got me aroused. I never been aroused by the looks of a man's penis.. It has always been the looks of a womans beautiful smile, body and thighs. Don't get me wrong, if I am feeling the man.. It is not until he touches me a certain way or even insert his thing in me, I get aroused.. So for years and years, I kept this secret.. A few of my friends would always say things to me about how they felt I had those tendencies.. I would always deny them.. Cause I never wanted anyone to know.. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and not cool.. It was not until I saw the girl of my dreams.. She was a friend of mine back in Middle School.. Yall have heard me talk about her before.. (so I am not going to go into that)... It was her that made me feel the need to let it out. I finally had someone to talk to about how I felt. It was so rejuvenating.. Never knowing her story and what she went through..So we were there for one another... I stopped feeling that I wasn't normal...
After all that, I made sure I told the guys I got serious with that I was on the Bi side.. Some approved, some didn't care for it. So there again, I was feeling less that normal.. So I became the freaky hood chick.. I mean I was doing it all.. I became labeled.. I met this guy he was a little older than me. I felt that he was my on my level.. I really did love him.. Until he turned me into something that I don't even want to tell you all.. I feel this is where my life changed... I was out there searching for something.. I wanted to be loved.. I wanted to feel wanted.. I always felt that I wasn't loved by no one. Not even family..
I happened to met a man that I thought had it ALL.. He was single, good job, and he was raising his son. I ended up with him. I thought finally my life is going to be normal.. Well it was for awhile. Then he became abusive.. He shut me out from my friends and family. He even found out about my secret. My world came crashing down on me when I lost the baby that we would have shared. I was happy but that happy didn't last forever...
So for years I lived in my misery. I was in and out of relationships.. I would find any means for attention.. I even did things I hate I've done to this date. I became sheltered.. I would stay in the house just not to deal with the outside. The only time I did go anywhere was just to go to work. I was ashamed and having the labels that some put out there about me was wearing me down.. I was broken.. I hated myself so much.. I always wanted to know the reasons as to why my life was going the way that it was.. I questioned myself as to what I did to people to deserve the type of treatment and events that happened...
Things to this day still haunt me.. I have put a lot of it behind me. I even blocked most of it out of my memory.. I see what Tyler said today about being FREE.. It was just last year when I broke free from all my hurts.. As I say I am in my happy place.. I can no longer let my past hinder me from living.
See for years I showed everyone I came in contact with that everything was ok. My life was a good life.. Little did these people know, behind my smiles was a woman that was broken.. A woman that was confused.. A woman who lived her life with so many questions... Thank God that I am now able to live life, and stop having my past live me...
No comments:
Post a Comment