I try to break their hold on me. Seriously, I have been saying for years that I am letting go.. You know that statement is harder to do than to say.. I can say it until my head explodes.. It will still carry some kind of weight on me...
My childhood... As far as I know... I don't remember much... I do remember bits and pieces... I remember crying for my mother to stay home with me.. A few nights out of the week. My mother would go stay at her boyfriend's house. I would be home with my grandmother.. I used to cry until I fell asleep at night.
So now I am trying to break free from my mother.. See when I moved back in with her. I was saying that I wasn't going to leave her again. I said I want to be married the next time I do.. Well as you all have saw.. I am not having very much luck when it comes to men. It is coming close though to where.. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE... My mother is now so depended on me.. I don't even think I have time to myself. I don't mind and I love my mother dearly.. She gave up a lot of her life to make sure I was happy. I need my freedom and my space.. When I am not in the mood to do something.. I really don't want her to keep giving me this guilt trip...
My job.... It is becoming more and more of a disadvantage than anything. I've been hearing stories from a few people. My manager is and has been talking mad shyt about me. She is questioning people about my life. She want to know this and know that... Well you know it is bad when I have found myself getting hives from work. I am so stressed at that place.. I don't know how to deal with it. It is frustrating me so much... I want to say how I feel about all the changes.. I just can't though. You know jobs are hard to come by so we got to bite our tongues and zip our lips.. I just pray I don't have a heart attack in the process...
Men.......... I truly do dislike them to a point. Two of my exes have been calling. I wish that they leave me alone. I try to be nice yet nice is not working. I am tired of the types that approach me. I am tired of those who are so different in the beginning then turn out to be like the rest in the end... I am just TIRED of everything..
Me... I hate the things that I've done. I hate all the secrets that I hold within me. To be honest, I might even hate myself. I am far from being a bad person. I just hate that my life isn't what I wished it was.. I hate that I can not live my life the way I truly want too.. I hate that I can't loose weight.. I hate that I seek some type of happiness and when I get close to it.. It becomes a living hell.. I HATE THAT I TRULY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE... I have this warped sense of myself... I've been abused in all types of ways.. So trying to really grab grips of my life... I just want it all to be set free...
How do I do just that? What process do I need to take? How much of letting go actually work? What are the things I need to let go? How can I release myself from all the hurts?
These are questions I ask myself all the time... I still trying to seek the answers...
The old saying.. "Let go and Let God"... I've even tried that... I said, God is going to truly take care of those who hurt me... I am so ready to open myself up.. I want the locks and chains removed... I want these dark clouds to open up and let the sunshine in........... When will my day come? Will I be ready to accept it?
1 comment:
Wow. I hate to see you struggling with so much. I know that job has been weighing on you for a long time now...I pray that relief comes.
I feel you on the man thing. Past dudes have made it hard to let go and move forward. It IS very hard to DO...I wish that it was as simple as saying it.
(((big hugs and lots of love)))
Post a Comment