Mixed Emotions...

I just wished I could wake up every morning and just be so Happy..  Don't get me wrong.. I am in a very good mood.. I am happy that I finally feel at peace.. Its just some days I want to wake up to be happy...I want everything to be in order...  

I am having mixed emotions on different levels in my life.. 

 I don't want to get hurt again.. So I want to be single.. Then it is this feeling that I don't want to be alone.. I miss going out on dates.. I miss phone calls just to say hi.. I miss laying in bed with a body next to me.. I miss the hugs and kisses on the daily..  Yet, I got to take this time to get myself back together.. .
Then the desire of being in a relationship with women is just as bad as being in one with a man.. When things are good. The relationship is GREAT.. Then when there are a few obstacles it becomes BAD.. I just don't know.. Really just don't know...

Doctor bills are irking me.. So I am trying to catch all that up... I dont know where to start though... I have so many and I still trying to catch up the bills at home that piled up while I was away... I just want to HOLLA! I know that everything is going to be ok.. My Day is coming and I have to trust in the Lord that is and will be ok..

As far as other things.. It seems that the former S.O.S is coming out about all the stuff... I don't know why she waits until now to tell me. I don't know what to feel.. I do believe that she still loves me. We were just not meant to be.. Plus I believe she in love with both of us women. She just don't know which one she can't live without.. I told her I am the one that she can live without.. Mainly because I am not about to play the games with her.

I really want to get away from all of this... Then maybe I will be able to think clearly..

Visions of 3D!!

I have a few Female Crushes... I have posted about them a few times. Everyone in the world knows I love MARY J BLIGE... Then my sweet crush on Taraiji P Henson... Then the little crush and amazement of Khole  Kardashian.. 

 Well know folks I have a NEW ONE...

To me this woman can not only SING.. After seeing her on Love & Hip Hop Atlanta.. I am getting to know something about her and It is drawing me toward her. Now I know me and my Sister will battle it out... Cause she is OBSESSED with her..  I don't think I am at that point... YET! lol

Well I figured out the other night when I kept dreaming about her.. YES.. DREAMING.. 

I was like DAMN, I am crushing on K Michelle.. 

I feel her story about abuse.. No one believed me when I was being abused.. They only saw the good stuff that CAW was doing for me.. They never saw the behind and alone the doors of our relationship.. So I can relate to her... Then those dang thighs.. I am a thigh woman.. I love thick and smooth thighs.. 

I have been calling her 3D.. Her BOOTY is AMAZING.. It looks like it is going to POP out of the TV...

She is really wearing that Bikini.. OMG... She is a perfectly shaped woman...

I am so lusting here.. LOL Anyway. I am going to get this King Magazine... 

I love a Confident Woman.. I Love a Beautiful Woman.. I also Love a Strong Willed Woman..

I don't know her personally.. As far as I can see.. She is the TOTAL package.. Beauty, Brains, Talented, Sweet, Southern Dimepiece.. THE WHOLE 9!

Thanks K Michelle for being the only reason I watch Love & Hip Hop Atlanta... .

I hope that one day I will be able to meet her and STAR-GAZE into her eyes... I might be speechless.. lol

It is what it is!!

I had time to think.. I had time to realize that It is What it Is!! 

I am always hard on myself. When things go wrong, I blame myself a lot. I am the hardest on myself. I try to let things flow. It is a struggle sometimes.. 

This past week has taught me a lot. I even got written up at work too.. I don't know if I am coming or going for real now.. I am so stress to the fact, I am not feeling well..

It was like just a week ago, everything was starting to look up for me.. Now I am back to feeling like I am the only one in this world. WTH?  I am even back to feeling like I need to just isolate myself again. I am seriously tired of people.  Now not the ones that I talk to from time to time.. Not the ones that I believe to be my close friends.. It is just the ones that isn't in my circle. I know that will be hard just cause I work with the public. 

I am trying my best to keep going.. I think my motor is breaking down.. I am so physically and emotionally drained.. 

I pray it gets better.. 

In the meantime I am going to say.. It is what it is!

Free!!

Today I am Free

I am free to be me

I held on as long as long as I could

Today I let go, as I should

No more lies behind lies

No more looking in your face while you lied behind the smiles

You took my heart while it was up for grabs

I can’t believe it was the one thing would stab

I gave you everything I had to offer

I refuse to be the one who sits here and suffer

You go on with your with your life

Cause today I got to see the pictures of your wife

For that I no longer doubt myself

You go on and take care of yourself

I can walk with my head held high

I can take to the sky and Fly

Cause today I am Free

I am free to be me

©2012

Mahoganydymond ™

It is all funny to me...

I don't get it... I am so tired of it.. I even tried to IGNORE this... I am going on with my life... So why are you even in it... Why is what I do and say making you a little shaky... You think cause I have a bigger following and people like me... So you think I am talking about you.. 

You the one that did me wrong..  You are the one that one day Karma is going to burn up in your face. Are you afraid that everyone is going to find out your TRUE COLORS...  Nah, I am not like that.. People can see on their own... 

I woke up this morning with Snapback and Tattoos playing in my head... SO I wrote a rap...  When you read it  have that song in your head.. LOL

Talk Smack, Then F You!!!

Mahoganydymond 

2012

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you

I am too fly, I aint got time for that boo

I am better than that, I aint got time fool

you walking around thinking it is all about you..

You aint got shyt, so what's your problem boo...

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

Talk Smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

I am too fly, I aint got time for that boo...

I am better than that, I aint got time fool...

You mad cause I aint paying your btych ass any attention...

You know you fucked up, now you made that decision...

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

Talk Smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

I am too fly, I aint got time for that boo...

I am better than that, I aint got time fool...

I am a woman that got her own issues... What I do shouldn't even phase you..

All the time biting off others stats... Where's the orginal that is so wack...

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

Talk Smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

I am too fly, I aint got time for that boo...

I am better than that, I aint got time fool...

Now everytime I turn around you thinking I want you there....

Bytch please, there isn't anything thing I want from you, this I swear...

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

Talk Smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

I am to fly, I aint got time for that boo...

I am better than that, I aint got time fool...

My last straw is when you said, you didn't think it was important....

I thought into it and I gave it the rating of Fuck it... 

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

Talk Smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

I am to fly, I aint got time for that boo...

I am better than that, I aint got time fool...

Go on and do you boo, people already know you are such a trife... 

Just stop talking shyt and get up out my life... 

Talk smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

Talk Smack then fuck you, Talk smack then fuck you..

I am to fly, I aint got time for that boo...

I am better than that, I aint got time fool...

I am so silly sometimes... 

I am going to to a video...

The Cat's out the bag, You didn't think it was important...

Over the weekend.. I had such a great weekend by the way...  I got to really enjoy myself... I think I am getting back into the groove... :)

Ok let me give you readers the rundown.. SMH... 

As I told you all about my EX.. I knew about the other woman.. I knew about the trips and the party... I knew what the whole party was about... (I am good like that) 

Anyhoo for months of still dealing with my ex.. My ex still acting as if I was a friend the whole time... 

Facebook tells all...  I  know now as to why she deactivated her page for awhile..

I am not going to say I am a snooper by any means... I do say, when I feel I like to need to know what going on.. I have a way of FINDING OUT ANYTHING...  

I found out the stuff she was saying about her mother and her daughter were lies... It was that she had to come up with something to get rid of me. Her mother had told her girlfriend that she had another girlfriend (me).. Yes the heffa had an out of town girlfriend.. So that was the case of the trips back and forth to Georgia *which yall know I been thought that*... 

So once I saw that one of her co workers had said Congratulations on your union (tying the knot) I wish for the best in the relationship.. So you know me.. I also said congratulations..  Do you know she tried to lie about it STILL...? I was come on.. I've been knew about it.. I was just waiting on you to tell me..  Then in a dead silence... She  let this come out her mouth... I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS IMPORTANT... WTW?

Ok... for 1 we broke up in March.. Which means You trying to devote your life to someone you only been with for 3 months? You still call me everyday.. You still tell me you love me everyday... Yet you didn't feel it was IMPORTANT...  Go to hell with that shyt.. I felt like I had every right to know.. She still doesn't know that the girl was someone I found out about through someone she trust... I get it though... You wanted someone that lived near by.. Now this woman is planing on moving here... (I wish this woman good luck)... 

All it all.. It was important that I knew.. She feels like it was none of my business what she does with her life... 

I came to the conclusion.. She didn't think we ever went together...  She didn't think that I lost everything to be with her didn't matter... 

So no more grieving.. No more being lost and wanting to make things right... You lied to me... You did the UNTHINKABLE... I will NEVER TRUST you... Since you don't think I was important enough to tell me... I don't think you are important enough to be in my LIFE... Tootles...

I'm tired of being the friend... I am ready to be a wife...

I know that I am not totally over my S.O.S at this present time.  It is going to be a healing process I must go through to get over it.. I can say, I'm doing fairly well with it.. I took my grieving time to clear my head. I am welcoming the change.. 

This time around though.. I am ready to be a wife. I don't like dating.. I don't like going through the constant changes it put one through.. I never been the type to date several people. I date one, then I end up in a relationship with that person. If I fall in love I hurt.. If I don't see myself falling in love with them. I move on to the next one..

Now I am getting older. I am also in the fear of growing up being my mother.. She never married.. She never experienced the whole wedding. I know for me.. It is something I want to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with just one person. Someone that loves me unconditionally..  So I am working on me. I am getting myself self in order to find my Mr or Mrs Right. I am no longer going to waste my life on someone who isn't going to give me that walk down the isle. 

When I meet people, they always say... You are such a good person.. May we be friends.. I tell you this.. I know that is in my character. I treat everyone with such kindness. Even people I don't know.. I try to be compassionate and so friendly.  I don't know if this is what keeps my potential mates away or what. I used to sit back and watch other people relationships.. I see how some women dogged the man out or vice verse.. Then I am like how those two people get married. As for one I don't know what it takes to be wifey material. I do know an ex in my past once told me.. You are a wifey material, and I am not ready for that.. What did that mean?

My past relationships has taught me that some people can't handle what I can offer.. I am very creative.. I am very loving.. I am very caring.. I am also a great cook.  Growing up, I heard stories that is the making of a good wife. So growing up.. I learned all the things.. I taught myself how to cook. I learned how to clean house. I learned how to manage money.. Heck I even learned how to sew, and decorate. In my relationships, I have even learned how to comprise.. In which in a lot of cases it is what MARRIAGE is all about. 

I know they say that you have to wait on God to bring the right person that is right for you. I understand the whole 9 of that. So maybe I have been carrying myself wrong. I am not to sure as to what and how to.. I have been thinking as to how and why I am not married yet. It could be in the choices I have made in life. I could be the type of people I gave my heart to.

I have always been afraid to tell a person what I wanted up front. I always thought it was the man that suppose to ask you in marriage. I want to know how do you go and say... I am looking for marriage and if you aren't ready then we can't be together.. How do you do that? Especially if you are having such a great time with that person.You are enjoying the company with that person.. I am so in disarray... I don't know how to set myself up for this.

Most of the time when I meet people. I just go with the moment.  When things don't quite work out. I become their friend. Either that or we end up as friends from the jump. Well I am tired of being a friend. I am tired of always being the HOMEGIRL.. I am ready to say I am a Mrs.. I don't want to grow old and be a Miss.. Like I said. I want to grow old with someone.. I want to wake up every morning and feel the love in the household. I want to say this is my better half.

So as I am working toward my goal.. I am getting my life in order.. I have to show the next potential mate what I have to offer.. Be able to show what I can bring to the table.. I will leave my past where it sits. I am going to be a great wife one day. I was made for it. I was molded to be one. I am getting a little old not to want anything else, but to share my life with an AWESOME person that we can complete each other..

I don't mind having friends.. Don't get me wrong... I am just ready for a new chapter in life.. I want to experience the walking down the isle and sharing my life with Some One Special....