Tatts with your significant other on you!

I think that it is ABSOLUTELY dumb as HAYAL! Now I am one that believes that I only would get my name, my children, or my parent's name AFTER they DIE... Yet putting my girlfriend or boyfriend or even a husband and wife on me.. HAYAL TO THE FONKING NAH! Unless they are dead.. They reason it cause to get it removed or to cover it up. It is nonsense to me. That relationship might not last or was doomed from the get go. 

The other day I was doing something for my ex. I saw that this BOTCH had her so called wife name tatted on her. In which this was the 1st time ever seeing this. I was like WOW you are a dumb arse.. LOL.. She was like I can always cover it up. Still I thought it was  a dumb arse move.. She said I told you awhile back that I got it because she had got my name. I said again.. Dumb Arse.. She goes on to say.. Your mad.. When she said that I went off.. I was not Hayal NO.. What in the fonk would I be mad cause you did something stupid.. I said you are the dumb one.. 

I don't know and I am not knocking people who do stuff like that.. Maybe because I have trust issues and I don't want to be remained of the sorry arses on my body. It also I dont want no one name on me unless they are dead. I guess to each is it's on. 

What are your thoughts?

Update: As of September 2015 they are no longer together nor the tattoo... She got it covered up.. 

I am getting to the point..

Lately I am getting to the point where I am truly getting frustrated.. I want something different and I am not sure what. I have thought about just writing full time I might need to take some courses and what not. I  truly need a job where I don't have to talk to people. I see myself wanting to become more and more a hermit.. I really don't like to deal with the outside world anymore.. I want to know what happened to me.. I used to like people.. I used to like meeting and socializing. Now I think I am BURNT out with it all. I like myself. Then I thought if I stop dealing with people, will I become one of those crazy fruit cakes.. You know the ones that start doing weird stuff. I surely don't want to be one of those people.

I have been trying to remain positive. I have came a long way from what I was the last 2 years.. I just get set in my ways to where I don't know how to handle stuff. I also am not to fond of changes. I have seen a few of them over the last few weeks and I can just SCREAM!

I guess I really need to take another trip for a few days to be alone and not having to do anything but clear my head. I blame myself trying to always be available to everyone else. I don't take the time for just me. I did end up going to be back to my healthy eating and cutting out meat. I think thus is about the only thing that is working for me. I like to be in control of things and this is something I have control over.

I hope I figure out what it is what I really wanna do and soon..

I Release You!

To my Past Loves & Lovers:

Today I release the pain that came with involving myself with you.. This is my Open Letter to you all.

Over the years I held on to the hurt, the pain, and the scars. I wasn’t allowing myself to grow pass it all.

I became the product of each and every one of you made of me.  I held on it for so long I myself believe I might never be able to Love again.. I won’t say that some of it never caused me to become a bitter woman. It has, and for that I have to RELEASE you. I thought holding on to it would guard me from falling for the wrong person again. The truth be told, it allowed me to keep falling for it. I was just a girl that later became a woman that wanted to be loved.

I release you because I want to live again. I release you because I want to find the LOVE that at one time I thought was impossible to have. To have the life I envision for myself has to one of Unconditional Love. A love that, every day is a BEAUTIFUL day because my love is right there with me and in my heart.

I won’t say being with you was all bad. We had our good days. I learned from each and every relationship. I want you to know, when I said I loved you. I did.. I was loyal, faithful, caring, understanding, and was there no matter what. I wanted the same from you all.  Even though our relationship ended I still carried the love in my heart.  I no longer hold unto the anger.. I forgive you; this is why I have to release you.

I wish you all well as some of you may be moved on, married, and living the dream. I hope that you too learned something from me as I did with you all. Take care be Blessed and know that I THANK YOU ALL for what we shared.. The Good and The Bad… The woman who once Loved & Cared

Over the last few years..

The last few years I have been dealing with issues pertaining to these two.. Not really but this is how I am going to describe it.. LOL

I can say that it has been a roller-coaster of events.  I blame myself though.. I have allowed it and I don't blame no one but me.  You would think by now I would really have it together with dealing with these two..  One day I think that things are going to get better. Then the next BAMMMMMMMMMMM I am back in the trap. I sometimes think that I like the misery. Sometimes I think that it is going to one day get better.. (Who am I kidding).. NOT A SOUL.. 

Just this week I said ok.. I am not going to deal with it. Especially after the Speech I got with The TIRE MAN.. I was like ok.. I see that this situation isn't going to change.  So you know my words.. FONK it and keep it going.. 

 Since  aunt jemima hasn't surfaced in my inbox and my life in a few months.. I have been doing fairly well with not going off. I think it's only when SHE THINKS she knows what's going on, what gets me boiling..  I hate for someone to THINK they know and don't know SHYT.. Oneday she will see the real for real. So I am going to sit back and watch how she reacts.. In due time. She will become tired like I did. 

You can't change a person and even if you tried, it is what it is. 

I am more focused on me losing those  10 lbs I gain back over the holiday's..

Their crazy life is no concern to me anymore.. I tried to help them but you can't help those who don't want the help. Their issues are no longer mine.. Tire man unhappiness isn't a problem of mine.  

I just like how Karma really does work in the person favor.. She sho did work for me.. I no longer have the time for THEIR foolishness. It doesn't mean that I am going to stop being friend's with Tire Man.. It is just that anything that has to be said about them two.. I can fonking careless.. Like I said it has GOTTEN OLD... 

A Talk with Someone...

The other day I had a talk with someone.. We were talking about relationships.. Also the reason why I am not sure if I want to get into another one. I truly believe I am meant to be single. I don't know if it my choices or is it really me.

Over the years I dated men.. I dated women.. Out of both of those relationship which over the last 10 years I've only been in two relationships.. The one with the guy (which you all know was MC) it lasted 6 almost 7 of those years.. It had it ups and downs.. We had more good times than bad. He wasn't able to commit to me until he thought he was losing me.. That was in 2007 and we started dating in 2004.. His love for me started fading in 2009.. That was when we called it quits.. Well he pushed me to call it quits.. LOL

It took me awhile after that to decide to date or not.

 Then this woman came into my life in 2011 and it changed everything. I mean everything. I felt like that was where I was suppose to be. I felt good. I felt happy. I felt understood. I finally stopped fighting the battle with myself and how I felt. I gave up a lot to be in the relationship.. Friends, Family, Partying, and Men.. For What? I sometimes ask myself. It ended just a few months later in 2012. March 2012 to be exact. When I found out about her lying and cheating ways. I was forewarned but it I was naive to believe she wasn't like that.  Well you all know the story to that too.. I have tried to remain friends with the woman because she is good people but not in the relationship sense. We have our days.. We have our fights.. Well not to long ago before Christmas I went off on her and physically tried to hurt her. So  I had to step back on the friendship.. I saw that she wasn't trying to treat me as a friend. I had to see there is still something in my heart for her too.. So I had to numb them feelings in my mind. Guess what though.. Since I've been acting like who gives a damn, I am getting better at just going along with my life. 

Okay, the conversation I had.. I was saying how I don't know if I could be with another man again. I would like to just cause I still feel that I am attracted to men.. The issue is that I believe that I am only physically attracted to men. I don't know if I have the emotions to connect with another man anymore. MC put me through the ringer mentally... My friend goes to say, Female on Female relationships are about just SEX.. If they don't have a great sex life then there is nothing else for them.. I was like huh?
My last relationship with a woman was NO INTIMACY!! Yea time to time we might did something but not often.. We had more of a caring, talkative, cuddling relationship. I was able to talk to her about everything.. Now I will say when it came to my feelings, she might dozed off. LOL I think she listened to other stuff.

I really don't know what either relationship suppose to work.. I don't know one from the other. LOL
I just know I don't think I am ready to go down that road anymore. I am not one that picks up pieces quickly. When I go into a relationship I give my all and then when it ends, I don't know what to pick up or what to leave crumbled.

As 2014 keeps on going and I keep on moving.. I might be at a better place this year.. I started getting it right toward the middle and also sought help for my anxieties.. I am still trying to maintain a healthy way of living.. I hope and pray that in time I will know what's right for me and what is wrong.. Right now a relationship will just crowd my space.. I am aiming for the BEST ME POSSIBLE!!!

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YAY!! WOOT WOOT!!

The Holiday's are almost over.. It was a rough one for me this year.. I wasn't in a celebratory mood.. This was the WORST one yet...I think because this year I felt more alone than I ever had. I also worked more that I ever had.. Then going to the doctor and the medication helps me not feel. (which it doesn't work well... It seems I feel more now that ever)..

I plan on getting back to the things that makes me happy.. It was like after my Birthday every thing was going down hill.. I don't understand what happened (well I know some of it).. I just got to remain focus.. I also need to get back to my exercising.. I was a Vegan part of the year and I really need to get back on track.. I think that has a lot to do with my mood too..

I hope that I can keep up with this blog.. I do plan on getting my own site again.. I am just waiting for my name to become available again.. I am going to buy both names this time and not let them go.. I really hate not having my own domain anymore.

Until next time... Be Safe and Happy New Year... 2014 is a coming!!