I need some serious motivation...

I must admit that I have wasted a lot of my years... I wasted doing absolutely NOTHING.. What I mean by nothing, is something worth my wild.. I been working so hard the last 6 years... I really don't have nothing to show for it but, maybe my credit score.. lol
I wasted on men... I wasted it because of fear.. I wasted it because I no longer have motivation...
I believe a lot of it has been the stress I've been under.. I believe a lot of it where I am not getting much time alone.. I am always doing something for someone.. I am always paying bills, to where I don't have money to save up.
I really want to do something for me.. God willing, I want to save up enough to take a trip (alone)... I am still in the process of looking for another job, so that is motivation ( a little lol)....My dreams of my own business is still my main focus and I haven't given up.. It just seems that folks don't wanna pay for catering...  In this area anyway... Man, if I had the money to play the lottery and win... Then that's all the motivation I need..
The seasons are changing now too, I want to get back out.. I want to take walks, eat right, and get back on my healthy kick.. I think that would help my motivation.. I will have the energy..
I was talking to my friend guy on Sunday and he was telling me, I am no longer the Tracy he once knew. He said I was so much of a social, outgoing, fun person.. Now, he says I am complacent, moody, and drabby..  Damn, really? I think it is my age.. Things I used to do I don't do anymore.. It's not that my interest has changed.. My mindset has.. All of the friends I used to hang out with.. Married, Engaged, and kids..  I am the only one in my circle that has yet, to meet a man, worthy..
So yes, I no longer do the things I once did.. I don't think I am drabby (whatever that means).. hehehhee
Being with depression for the last 6 months, people really don't understand what it is to feel this way.. Yea, some say they are down, but a lot of folks don't know.. My diagnoses was my answers I needed.. I didn't understand why I kept feeling the way I did.. It wasn't anything going wrong in my life, I just feel like I had no motivation to even get out of bed sometimes. I didn't want to face people.. I didn't even wanna get up and put on clothes.. (even got to the point,  I didn't want to bathe).. Depression is something I don't wish on anyone. It puts your life at a stand still.
I can't  believe that I have wrote two blogs in two days.. I guess walking away from Facebook, has given me a peace of mind.. Now, hopefully motivation is next.. :)

La La La Blah Blah Blah

I tell you my boring life has came to be somewhat chaotic. I have broken free from most of my Social Media sites.. I had to walk away from Facebook for awhile. People and their issues or negativity was getting the best of my spirits.. I couldn't function I noticed that too much of my day was consisted of what to post, what others post, and telling too much of my personal business... lol

I remember that at one point, I wanted to be an internet sensation.. Now, I rather lay low.. I don't know, but for me the internet isn't what it used to be. It was fun to connect with others and all, now I see more people I already knew to begin with... I have also gotten tired of dealing with those who have some type of hatred toward me, yet remains my friend.. smh

Me and the Bestest is on speaking terms.. Yea, I know.. Im not going to read into it too much... I think he is going through something and needs a friend to listen. I haven't been mean to him but I am not falling for that trap again..

I think a lot of him coming back around is that he has noticed that I am seeing someone now. I am in the I am not ready for the relationship..  I just want someone to hang out with.. Someone to laugh with... Nothing more than that.. I am being really clear with people upfront now.. I am just tired of this dating and getting to know people then later find out.. THEY LIED...

I am still doing a little bit of writing and I am excited the way things are turning out.. You just don't know how long this has taken me to write these stories and feel very comfortable about it.. Maybe one day, I will become a writer, and get paid for it.. ..  I hope so anyway.. I really am not a fan of my job that I am doing now. Still hoping, working, and prepping for my own...

Is it me..

I have been talking to one of my past loves... We normally talk at least once a month, to see how each other been doing... Lately it's been almost everyday..
No, I'm not falling for him.. We are friends and sometimes I think he is the only one that I can confided in.. He is unlike my bestest... Me and him been through hayal and back.. So he understands me.. A lot of our 1st were done together.. I have a lot of love for him. 

This the thing, he told me he has always loved me... He still loves me and he never wants to hurt me.. So me, think its too late for him to tell me.   I know that he has cared for man, over 20 years.. If not we wouldn't still kept in contact with each other..

Plus 5 years back he got married, so I backed away.. I was hurt a little but I said as long as he is happy, then I'm happy.. I didn't get in between him and his wife... I let them be.. Well 2 years ago his wife left him, and he was so devastated.. I was the shoulder he cried on.. I hate seeing him like that, but as a friend I was there... He is still hurt by his wife leaving him and it hurts me too.. I know he has a lot of flaws and issues... I understand why his wife left.. With all he is going through he is still a good person.. Its going to take a really strong woman to deal with him. 

I don't know but I think it's me.. Everyone always look to me to bare their emotions on.. I guess I'm a comforter... Who knows!!

In my thoughts: When Blogging was the IT thing...

I remember about hmmm, 10 years ago.. Blogging was it.. I had several websites and my own that I would just pick a topic and blog on.. It was the it thing.. You had something that was on your chest, and you blog it.. Now, it seems like just a fad that is passing away..
Yahoo 360, was so fun.. I had all kind of things I would blog about.. I truly hate that they took it away.. Those we the good old days... I used Typepad, I did Greymatter the whole nine.. It was so much fun..
We couldn't wait to see what I friend's post and what not. I met a few good people in my Blogging days.. I think they have been better friends than the ones I just run across on day to day basis.. I swear sometimes I miss this and then sometimes, I don't even feel like typing.. I always got excited when I was requested to do the blog challenges.. If gave me an idea on what to write. Now at times I get to the point to think of what.. I know this is my personal blog and I tend to talk about what goes on in my humdrum life. I know some of you all are like, really.. LOL
I said I was going to try my best this year to do better, I tend to say that every year... So I can only try.. I think the downfall to blogging is Facebook and Twitter.. You really don't have to write paragraphs anymore to express your thoughts and feelings.. You can just sum it up in a few sentences and that will be the end of it..

Welcome 2016..

It is a New Year.... I am thankful to see another year.. Another year to get it right.. I lost so much in 2015.. I am happy for this New Year.. I've started my frugal living too.. I want to be able to save money.. I trying to get back on the financial track. I trying my best to catch up my bills and what not. So maybe soon I will be able to be free from this debt. I was almost on to the good credit until life happened.. :(

My goals for the new year are:

Spend no more than 50 dollars is groceries a week..
Save at least 20 dollars a week..
Pay my bills on time...
Find another part time job...
Continue to live in peace...

I know it seems minimum  but hey... I live for the simple life..
I wish you all well in the new year!!!1 <3 br="">

On the go blogging...

I'm sitting here in the office while I'm waiting on the doctor... Man, in the last 4 months I've been here I know 17 times...
I'm glad I finally know some of MY problems... As much as I hate being here.. I know I'm getting better... I don't like this rapid weight loss though.. Well, I do and don't.. lol

I finally let go of my dead weight, mentally... It was hard but my mental health is also important...

Its Holiday season too and my depression and anxieties are on overload ...  It always take so much out of me. ... I become so stressed because I'm not able to give gifts the way I used too.. I used to love to give give.. Now my finances aren't where they used to be... Now working part time and my extremely high medical bills. ... Nope nope Noe!!!
I do hope you all have yourselves a Merry Christmas!! ❤❤❤❤🎍🎄🎁 

He says I am just a Friend.. A series of stories...

Hi everyone... I have been working on a story and I thought I would share a little of it here with you all..

He Says I'm just a Friend

By:Mahoganydymond™

Vedda has always been a looker, her spirit, her fashion, and her intelligence is what draws people to her. 

Vedda just has bad pickins when it comes to the men she chooses to fall in love with. She has been dealt bad hands when it comes to relationships. She is going to come across a man who she thought was her everything. He was fun, strong, compassionate, and everything she wanted in a a man, so she thought.

His name was, Andrez.. 

Vedda and Andrez met by passing.. They always knew of each other but never really met..

It was the Summer of 2011 and Vedda was at a friends house for a cookout. She made time for her friends. They always came to Vedda for advice or just to have a great time. Vedda is the life of any party.

While dancing and laughing with a few people Vedda eyes were still on Andrez. Thinking to herself, He has always been attractive to me but his bad boy image was kinda the turn off.  It was just something about him tonight.. 

The sun was gone in and everyone was starting to leave. Vedda stayed on to help her friend out with the clean up. It was more like getting some more info on Andrez. Vedda and her friend Ceisha ended up talking to about 3 in the morning. Vedda headed on home and once she got home she looked up Andrez on Facebook..

Vedda: Hi Andrez, I was noticing you at the cookout earlier.. We have been in passing for years and we have so many mutual friends. I wanted to say hi.. I am going to send you a friends request if you don't mind, accept it.. :)

Vedda gets in the shower and then get ready to go to bed. Church, is in the morning..

As she turn back the covers, the notification goes off and it was Andrez..

Andrez: I accepted your request.. :)  So Miss Vedda, what's up?

Vedda never responded but she stared at that message over analyzing it.. Thinking to herself, did she make an mistake or not. 


Andrez is a guy that don't have all his shyt together, but is a really nice guy. He is in the process of getting his life back on track from being in a little trouble a few years ago. He also getting over a past relationship that he was in for 4 years. 
He is a dark medium built guy. Sorta a loner but is also the life of the party when around a group of people. His growing up is way different than Vedda's.. Vedda's family was loving and free spirit type of family and Andrez was strict and religious..

As this story goes you will find out how Vedda and Andrez connects and how their love for each other blossoms.. You will also find out how both of them become toxic. Especially when there becomes a big obstacle they both face...