Iylana "Fix My Life"... The Pace Sisters!! (my thoughts)... Weighs to cover the pain!!

Oh this show!! This show!! This show!!..

Knowing that I am such a fan of Iylana... This show made me very very emotional.. 

I had all kinds of emotions going through me.. 

I saw their hurt.. I saw their pain.. I could feel their struggle..

Being in a Powerful Family and deep rooted in the church..

Those skeletons will be the death of you.. Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally..

You are raised to be a lady at all times, don't sin, and put on a front for the church family..

You want others to think you are perfect all the while you are dying inside..

Growing up there are some things you just don't talk about.. You got to keep it on the hush.. I know when I was younger and something happened.. My grandmother would say.. Hursh it and pray about it.. God is going to make it alright..  Well I am now 37 years of age and I am still waiting.. 

Hey I know praying and my faith in God is helping me cope with all the pain, hurts, and emotions.. I haven't got  to that alright yet.. 

I realized I am a BROKEN woman that wants LOVE to heal me.. 

On this show These sisters main reason for the show was to get behind the reason that all of them being Over-weight and how to do something about it.. How the world know them.. How they came from a strong Religious family.. They have SECRETS... We all know that SECRETS can hurt or kill the family..

The sisters were controlled by the men in their family (father and brother).. One sister was violated by her uncle.. One sister was violated by her brother.. One sister was battling her sexuality.. We all know people will cast down those stones when something like that surfaces.. So they keep the secrets within themselves or within the family.. 

Sometimes weight hides other things.. I don't know about you all but food comforts me.. So growing up in that environment, when you get older it can really shut you down..

After watching this I was speechless.. Not because finding out the the family I grew up listening too and idolize in the Gospel industry... It was because I saw some of me in all them.. Maybe not to their extreme, but how secrets can weigh you down.. How we mange to go day by putting extra coverage over us to hide it..

Life isn't perfect... A Family isn't Perfect... We all have to have our day.. If we can sit and talk let it out.. Then the healing would begin.. If you keep those things inside you it will eat you alive.. If it is hard to talk to someone (in which it is so hard for me) write it down.. Release whatever is troubling you.. Then maybe your Prayers to God will show you a sign and let you know everything is going to be alright.. 

I also heard the word Nice Nasty.... I have had a few people tell me that I am nice and sweet person but at times I can be the nastiest person standing.. I don't think that I am really a bad person.. I do know I don't do well with others.. This is my defense mechanism.. If I give the cold shoulder then I know I won't get hurt... Another way I cover my pain..

I pray that the family continue to heal and become stronger than ever...

I Love YOU!!

For a few years I have became really close to someone..  I mean letting this person in my life I was kinda skeptical of him at 1st..  I didn't know how to allow him in there since I used to have a mild crush on him. So I wasn't prepared for it..

So years and years of chatting with him, speaking to him out and about.. Then one day he moved next door to me.. Knowing the person he was living with (my cousin) I was feeling like he is up to no good.. So I would speak but not hold a conversation with him. One day we all were outside and after everyone left me and him sat on the porch at talked... 

From that conversation we have built one of the best friendships ever.. This guy is so understanding, loving, honest, and just a breath of fresh air to me.. In so many ways, we are just a like.. We go through some of the same things when it comes to people and how we want to be treated.. He is genuine and I LOVE that about him...

When he goes through something I am there for him if he needs me.. If I am going through something he is there for me.. Lately you all know that my depression reared its ugly head once again.. Guess who was there.. Yes, my Bestest!! We ended up staying up all night talking about life, what we want to do to move forward.. Plus even learned that the Wright Brothers could possibly been BLACK.. We always have a great time with one another.. 

Everyone always saying that it is not possible for man and woman to be friends.. That is truly a DAMN lie.. The best relationship I have had thus far is the one with me and my Bestest.. Right now he is getting his life back on track and I standing behind him 100%... I am so proud of him at least trying to focus on himself, because for so long he didn't have the drive to do it..  

I LOVE this man..  

I really thank you for everything.. Just listening to me and being the shoulder and my strength.. I will never turn my back on you.. You are a Blessing and NEVER forget that..........

Honey Chile I know you aint trying to downgrade anybody!!

I Love misguided individuals..  They just don't know any better... They will always be lost.. 

The other day I was listening to a Co Worker who happens to be black.. (I had the same conversation with another co worker a few years ago).. He was talking to another Co Worker.. One that I always tell him he is going to be my Husband one day.. He always flirt  with me and he really does like me, but he has some growing up to do.. SERIOUSLY..

Well the conversation was how the other co worker who is black so I will call he BW and I will call the other one who is white WT...  BW isn't attracted to Black women and never dated a Black Woman and he said he will NEVER date a Black Women because he don't find any of them attractive.. (Note: He is not attractive himself and he always ashy and has dirt in his nails... ewww) Then he proceeds to tell WT how he someone told him he had a beautiful child.. He said because he didn't have one with a Black Woman.. ( That's when I almost fell to the damn floor).. His girlfriend aint cute and neither is he.. So what the hell? He said he never wanted his children to come out black.. WTFH? So I busted him and said.. He might not look Black but in everyone eyes He is still Black..  

I read him after that.. I told him the only reason why he feels that he will not be with a black woman is because of his mentality.. I said if he thinks all black women are ugly.. What does he think about his mother..? He wouldn't even answer.. So I said ok.. You hate that you were born black.. Yea that is.. You hate yourself so much you want to belittle anything black.. I said you are living a sad life.. I said hopefully your son one day will end up loving a black girl .. What you gonna do?

WT was stunned by his statement and even shock that I blew him up.. WT said I don't care what color a woman is.. As long as she has a beautiful spirit and soul.. Then he said helll I rather be with black women anyway.. He said all the white women I dated is crazy and always tripping if you don't call within a few minutes of a text.. He said the last black woman he dated was the best thing that happened to him but he had to break up with her because she was going away into the army.. LOL

I have learned that everyone has a preference... I for one don't date outside my race.. I don't believe you should belittle another race though.. You feel what you feel but you do not say a race is ugly.. I for one love my color.. I wouldn't trade it for the work.. I think we are the best things happening, but you aint gonna talk about it.. 

If you have that much self hate.. Then you need to really know how it feels to be black son.. I think BW thought it makes him a better person.. Nah Son!! 

Today the Breakdown came!!

I wish that there was some way to better explain what I am going through.. I truly do... I can't even answer it myself. As you all know my emotions and my mental aren't in a good place right now.. I am going through so much and writing has triggered it..  I tell you trying to get on the road to healing it is just pushing me back into my depression.. Dam it Man.. I now know why I stopped writing.. It always get to me. It causes me to think and when I think.. errrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Today I heard some things that really took me there.. I can't handle this anymore.. I believe I am on the path to a Nervous Breakdown.. I wish people truly understood me and my thought process.. If they did, they wouldn't say the things that was said to me..  You know things that you need to change in life.. We all do.. Doesn't it just piss you off when folks always wanna tell you what you need to do..? Well, it pisses me off. 

I know that I have things that I need to approve in my life. I also am the type of person that doesn't like to be forced or told to do it.. At this point I am not in the mood for the speeches.. 

I felt like the speech was basically saying that I am a lazy, worthless, co-dependent person.. SERIOUSLY.. Not in so many words but if you draw the conclusion to the words in the sermon.. Basically that what was said..  That took me over the edge.. I was so close to choking this person.. I had to bite my tongue, I had to channel out.. I try to tell people over and over.. You have to choose your words wisely around me.. I am liable to flip at any time.. I think no one will understand until I seriously FLIP THE FUCK out on their ASSES.... 

 I keep saying STOP allowing people to get next to me.. Most of the time I don't, but in my state right now... I can't control my emotions..

It caused me to have a really bad day at work.. It was hard to control my crying.. I was crying at things I didn't even know I should cry about.. Yea, it's that bad.. I reached out to my bestest and he just don't understand.. He tells me just to keep praying on it.. He also tells me that I got to stop letting things get next to me.. Sometimes I just wished I was normal.. Life would be so simpler.. . 

So this is it for me.. I am laying low.. I tried to deactivate my Facebook page today so I won't be on there and end up saying stuff that might fuel more gas into the fire.. The bad thing about that I wasn't able to play my games.. In which that is what keeps me calm most of the time anyway.

So I am still there but I am not going to post for awhile, and I am not going to comment on others statuses unless I feel that my comment is warrant.. 

I just want to get better.. Like my prior entry I am also feeling alone in all this.. Mainly cause there are some things I can not share with others.. I am not good at talking my problems with people.. That is why I no longer go to a psychiatrist or the counselor who kept telling me to talk.. Most of the time I would just write down things and let them read it..

Its so weird how much things in the last 15 years of my life... I used to be able to talk to people.. I used to be able to go out into crowds and be a social butterfly.. I was even at one point in my life have solid and comforting friendships with people.. No more.. I have shut out so many people in my life.. I no longer have people skills.. I don't know if it is the hurt that has been brought on me or is it the part I have been in retail for so long.. 

Living in hurts will cause your heart to shut down.. So why is it causing me to go into a nervous breakdown.. Why are things making me feel so emotional..? It is my hormonal imbalanced or am I really on the verge of going crazy? Who knows.. I go through this a lot.. I just never in my living years have went this long going through this.. It is now going on 3 months and the last few weeks has been at it's worst...

At night I've been having long talks with God... This is the only way I know how to cope.. I hope that in time my faith in the Lord will get me through this.. I don't want medication anymore.. I don't want to keep going seeking help where I feel like help isn't really worth the money..

Don't like this feeling...

Even though I have embraced being single and not getting involved with anyone else.. Today I got slapped in the face... I miss it.. I miss the feeling of love.. I miss being in the arms of someone.. 

I was washing dishes and I got a whiff of a smell that reminded me of a man. OMG I thought I was going to fall out.. That scent took me to a place where I was remembering what it felt like to be in the arms of a man. To smell his scent when we were on our way out for the evening.. 

Why does things have to be this way? Trying to grip of things.. I broke down and started balling.. These emotions these emotions.. I am getting so TIRED of them.. I know the other night when I was writing my entries for my series My Journey.. I broke down and started crying about how hard it is for me to love.. 

I just want to feel the REAL LOVE.. I have people who want to go out with me.. Then it seems that they only want what's comes in between my legs.. So I have to back away from them.. I wish I had an admirer that would go the distance just to notice I just want to be held. You know laying on the couch watching a good movie and I am in their arms feeling safe and secure.. That was one of the things I missed about Cooper.. He had his ways but he never mind just being there to hold me. 

Being home on the weekend after working hard all week.. I come in the house and rarely go out.. There is hardly anything to do anymore.. I am seriously at the age where I want to settle down.. I just don't know what it will take to find someone to settle with. 

I feel that I am a very loyal and understanding woman.. I am a great catch.. I can say I am a little picky but we all have our preferences.. It's not that I have a long list... I want a Loving, God Fearing, well Groomed, Humorous, Working man.. Is that too much to ask? I can bring Love, Understanding, Commitment, Loyalty,  Humor, and Honesty to the table.. 

My friend today had a status on his Facebook about how men and women over look the good women and men because of their looks and financial status.. I believe that is true in some cases.. I am not the best looking (although I am quick to say I am the finest thing around) person.. I might not be rolling in the dough either.. I live mostly paycheck to paycheck.. I have had people in the past break up with me because of my lacks of.. 

So as I embrace the single life.. Deep inside I miss the companionship of a relationship.. The rest of my life might be living alone and I have come to deal with it.. It just at times I really would like to feel that I am a pleasure to be around.. I still dream of the day that I am the 1st and last things someone thinks about.. A dream that I am never gonna stop having.. .

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! I guess it is about that time!!

It must be that time.. Ever few months I go on this roller coaster of emotions..   I am trying so HARD to become a better person.. I am trying to HARD to stop being mean, rude, and angry.. It is just people IRKS me! I am so tired of the front I have to put up day after day after day.. 

I don't know if it Menopause or P.M.S.. I just know it is lasting longer than expected... 

Seems like the more I try to calm down.. No matter if I take my medication.. I am still errrrrrrrrrr with people.. It is mostly my job.. Then a few around here who chooses to make my life a LIVING HELL!!

People think that every thing is so peachy over here.. Well it isn't and I don't say much when people ask me what it wrong.. Heck.. It aint nothing they can do about it.. The only good thing that is coming out of my anger episodes is me writing..  I am able to write this gory suspense dark short story.. I guess I am channeling in my dark side.. LOL

I just want this all to be over with.. I feel that I am pushed back into a wall of sorts. 

I hold stuff in until I explode.. I am trying so hard not too.. I told my manager today that I feel like I am on this grumpy old woman status.. 

I am hanging with my bestest tomorrow.. So hopefully he can get me out my funk.. He is the only one I really open up too.. He is also the only one who know when I need prayer or need a hit upside the head.. Hell he is the only one I truly let get close to me no matter my mood.. He is loyal to the max.. Even though sometimes I wanna punch him too..  

So maybe the weekend will look up and I can get out this funk.. 

The New link for My Journey Blog... Mirror Mirror!!

Mirror Mirror.. The Lady in the Mirror