I call him "My Heaven"...

Have you just ever met someone that is a breath of fresh air... Someone who you believe truly understands you.. I swear that we have the coolest friendship.. I know that at one point it was some bumps in the road. It was just things that he was going through made him become so distant... Now since that is all behind us.. We been kicking it once again... It is not like before though.. It has been a little more of a deeper connection..

It has nothing to do with our physical chemistry... I knew from the 1st time I saw him as a grown man.. I was attracted to him. When we look at each other is was like MAN.. We did all that other stuff.. It was wonderful that is about how he got the title "My Heaven".. But since we had that brief time apart... Not only did we miss each other, we became more open.. We talk more and he seems to feel more comfortable talking to me about things...

I just can't describe how he makes me feel. I don't even know how to say the words either... We did say, well I said that I didn't want anything more than just a friendship with him.. Then just the other day, I didn't feel all that well. He came and just laid beside me and held me. I tell you I haven't had that in a long time. It became to the point where I was just a little upset when he left. Him just holding me gave me so much pleasure than having sex with him. He said, "I just wanted to come and check on you.. I wanted to make your day.. " I tell you having him him and him just holding me.. I felt really special..

"My Heaven" isn't perfect.. He is still a work in progress.. Other people might slander his name.. I just know that he might be many things to other people.. I just know he makes me feel alive.. He makes me smile.. He even keeps me comfortable when I am down.. I am glad to know him.. I am happy to have him as my friend...

I just wish I can keep him around, just to hold me and talk to me. It would be nice if at night I go to bed, I would have my friend laying right beside me.. I truly feel that he needs to be there...

Don't give what you can.. Give what I ask for... Paying money to go to Church...

Today a lady from the church that my uncle attends stopped by they house to give out flyers...   I was listening to what she was saying. I didn't say much I basically smiled and took the flyer.. Cause from the jump I was about to flip. She said Donations is 20 dollars. "WHAT?"  So when the lady left, I sat down and read the flyer...

It was a flyer for their Pastor's Anniversary..  It stated to please where RED if you are going to attend.. It also said "Donations 20 dollars at the door"... I was like she was correct... Twenty dollars to go to church.. I never in my life.  I believe in giving to the church. I don't believe it is ethical to tell someone how MUCH you want them to give.. That is like charging at the door.. I am no member of this church and I feel iffy about this..

I talked to my mother and she was saying they said donations.. I go on and on to tell my mother what donations mean... It is to give what you can.. At this rate 20 dollars can break me.. That is my lunch money for the week.. I said God knows my heart and my Soul..

Another reason this got me.. Is that they just built this church two years ago.. Their pastor has a nice car.. Then some of the members that I know is always hollering BROKE.. Even a few had check writing problems.. They were bouncing check from left to right.. I know a few of them.. I have witness that some of them never had money problems until they joined that church.

All in all I thought that was rather tacky to put that on the flyer.. I think they should have put donations would be accepted or donations are welcome.. I think by them putting that on the flyer makes someone not want to go to church.. If I won't pay 20 to get into the club.. Why would I give 20 to go to church..

Maybe their heart was in the right place.. I just don't know what would make them put such a thing on there... I can sit at home and get the word.. I can turn to Gospel network and hear some of my favorite Gospel singers.. I just don't see myself going to church to see a pastor that I not to keen on.. Also to give them 20 of my dollars...


See why I remain Spiritual and not Religious...

Fear of what is to become....

"Fear is the highest fence.  ~Dudley Nichols"




This quote is so true... I live in fear.. It is my defense mechanism.. I fear of what is to become of my life. I have found myself the last few years of keeping myself from getting hurt. When I need to reflect on life I shut down everyone else out. 


I also hold a lot of my emotions and concerns to myself. I really see  what my future may be like and what I have seen, It doesn't look to good. I pray that it won't end that way. Only God holds it in his hands.  I remember a few weeks ago telling my mother, she might out live me. She totally flipped out. She was like stop thinking like that. 


I try not to think that way.. Yet what do you do..? I don't truly want to live my life a lone.  I am living in my happy place but still I feel like I am going to die a lonely soul. This is one fear that scares me so much. I have even set aside insurance that will pay for me to live in a retirement/rest home. Some say that right now that would be a waste of money. I looking into the future and I truly want to be prepared... I don't believe that I am going to have anyone to be here for me, if I take ill. 


If I live to see my golden years, I don't want to be in a state to where I can't take care of myself. I don't want to depend on no one.. I want to keep living my independent life. 


 I remember back when my Granny was living. When she took really ill. She developed dementia. I saw she had to depend on us more. It became a burden to my mother.. Although my moms didn't mind. It was to the point where she worked a full time job, then came home to work another full time with my granny.. After my Granny had 3 strokes back to back and having epilepsy too.. She was living partially paralyzed. 


I would hear my mother cry to God at night. It was a lot of stress and it seems that her other brothers and sister didn't want to help out. It wore my mother down.. So I always said if I ever get to that point, I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family. 


So I will continue to live in the "NOW"..  So when this time comes..I won't be to fearful to face it....

If liking you is wrong... I don't wanna be right...

I changed the words to the song.. Mainly because I am not ready for love... I am hiding from it.. Love is something that is beautiful but it also causes so much pain.. I've been living in my happy place and I just am not ready to change it... I am having an awesome time LOVING myself..

It is been a guy that I have talked about on here.. I have mentioned him a few times. He makes me mad a lot but hey I am not in a relationship with him and don't really want to be in one with him either.  He has a lot of mess with him. Overall he is a nice guy, friendly, funny, and has an good attitude.  So this what makes me like him. I think that looking into his eyes I just melt. I have noticed that I am weak around him too..

I like him and he knows it.. He is really feeling me and I know it too.. So you might say, why not get into a relationship with him.. NOT.. I don't want to mess up the feeling that I have with him.

We had a talk last night.. I think all the other stuff that keeps us apart, might be coming to an end.. I am not going to hold my breath. We will see what happens when it happens.. So for right now.. I like him.. I like hanging with him.. I am enjoying it...

Try to do something Positive... Then it turns out.. Negative...

I saw a lot of my friends on Facebook changing their pictures to give Awareness to Breast Cancer Month.. So the picture that you see above is me giving my contribute. I know it is kinda sexy, but I think what better picture to use. I am showing that I love my breast.  Since I posted that picture above, it's been hell on Facebook.
I think I should have put it under my other account. I didn't think this picture would cause a world wind of comments via messages.

I had guys that barely say anything to me say something. I had some that was asking why did  I put the picture up. Was it  just to tease them. The funniest one was from my ex.. "You just posted that picture to get back at me for leaving you"... WTFH? I was like do they not see that it has the Breast Cancer  ribbon on it.. It also states "Love your Boobies"...

I understand that people are visuals beings.. I didn't mean for anyone to get any ideas.. I was just trying to be positive and show people that I support Breast Cancer Research... Those crazy men turned it into something way beyond. It's funny is that these people know I have ample about of breast.. I have worn clothes that revealed more that what that picture shows.. So why me posting a picture on Facebook, cause so much uncalled for comments...

Can we Talk?

It's been months and I can say I miss my sisterhood... We had some good times together, but as it goes.. Good things don't last always.  I never thought in a million of years that ONE man could change everything. See me and the girls got together almost once a month and we had a party.. It was at first just a small group of us. You know the ones that are always together. Then this man comes along and changed everything.

I am happy for one of my girlfriends. I don't care for her choices, but if she feels happy oh well.. This man has made me not even want to step foot in her house. I try to keep positivity around me. I try to be my free spirit and  happy self. It is hard when you feel you are being watched by some creature...  He is the type of guy who is so jealous of his girlfriend friendships. He tried everything to destroy it.. I tell you he has succeed. I didn't want that to be the case. I felt I had no other choice.

I want to sit down and get my group of girls together and just talk. I've want her to know that it isn't that we abandoned her. We just can't deal with the disrespect and the fact that he is so young. What can this man do with 30 something year old women and men..? He is not over 21 as of yet. We have told her we don't feel comfortable around him.

She feels that we are wrong. She feels like we should accept her choices in life. She wants us to respect her choices..  I have, I don't bad mouth that sorry ass, ugly muthafudrucker to her face.. I still call her and we talk about other things.. I don't want to loose the friendship and the bond we have over this young nig... Me and the other girls are just outside looking in.. We only see what is visible.. I don't know what goes on when we aren't around.. We don't know how he treats her.. We just go by what she says and what we saw...

I just don't see how a woman can still forgive a man that wrecks your car, curses you out, and don't want you to interact with your friends.. Yet he checks her phone calls.. He calls back numbers of the last person she talks too..  I remember after he wrecked her car.. She said.. They have good times together.. We only been around when the bad stuff happens.. So we need to lay off him.. So yes this is what I did.. I wish her all the luck in the world..

I just want to say Girlfriend, can we get together and talk....
.. You know this is what friends are for.. We are each others shoulder...

All we need is Love..

Watching the recent events on the news... Where is all this lack of love and respect coming from? When is it ever ok to hurt a child? When is it ever ok to bully someone? When is it being different such a bad thing? My heart bleeds cries with all this. I just don't understand...

I hate for anyone to lose a life just because of their race, sexuality, economical issues. I believe that love wins in the end.. I just wish more people learn how to love.. I wish that more people spread it.. If we all respected and love one another, I believe that none of this would even been happening...

I hate that someone can not live the way they want to. So what if someone is Gay or Bisexual. They aren't hurting anyone. They are living their lives. I hate that some of the young teens are feeling like they have no one to talk to.. I hate that some  have resorted to killing themselves. All because the choose to love someone of the same sex. It doesn't make them bad people.

A person life is the most precious thing. How a person chose to live their life is up to them. I look back on what all has happened. I think about when Tim was growing up. I knew that he was going to be homosexual growing up. I would see how people would pick on him. It even resorted him to quiting High School.. It was so many people just constantly giving him hell. Me being the Big Cousin, they learned how to respect him.  If one person said something about him, I defended him. I just hate that he cried so many night because of people not accepting the person he was.. He was a very smart, loving, and caring person. I didn't even see why people gave him such a hard time.

 People are so cruel and vicious. I can't wait until the day when we can live in a world that everyone is accepted. I can wait for the day when the people who causes people the feel left out get their day...

Receive Love, Accept Love, Give love....