I figured it out!!!!!!!!

For awhile I was thinking it was me.. I was the reason for all my failed relationships.. Or why so many men see me as just a friend type person... 

I am partly the reason because of the men I attract.. Also the type of men I am attracted too..

See I have no qualms in being single.. I have to work hard and I also have to take care of my mother who is now in 1st level of Dementia.. Yes I haven't spoken on that because I really don't want anyone coming to my mother feeling sorry for her.. She is still strong willed, she just have some good and bad days..  So I think I was just looking for outside fulfillment to get me through the rough part. 

Well anyway the common words I always get from men is :You are too good for me: You are Heaven Sent: You deserve better:... So am I continually going for the wrong men.. YES!!

The light bulb  lit up after talking yesterday to an old internet friend.. He asked me what do I look for in a man (relationship) and what are the type of things I do in the relationship..

He said I all the qualities of a GOOD WOMAN and a GOOD Wife.. He said I just go for the wrong men. He said he doesn't understand how a person like me fall for the uneducated, crazy, temperamental, Childish men.. He said he has watched over the years the different types of men I've dated.. He asked me was I truly ready for relationships... I told him after he put that out there.. I am not quite sure. 

Then I talked to my Life Coach and how I told him about a few things that were bothering me yesterday.. It was my birthday and I tend to go all out with others. The only things I got from my Bestest was a call early in the morning singing Happy Birthday.. :(  I went all out for his.. He even promised to call me back later in the day... He did not.. I even got drunk and called him.. He didn't answer or did he even respond to my Facebook message.. He told me to let that go, squash it, and just do me.. Why am I still drawn to this type of pain.. I really don't know..

I was watching last week Fix My Life.. Another light bulb moment.. Brokenness attracts Brokenness.. I have said before I have Daddy Issues.. Me and my father are some what closer than we ever been once I got older..  Growing up I didn't have a bad childhood I was just one who had to grow up way earlier than most.. I was cooking full meals at 8 years of age.. I had to help my mother take care of my grandmother and when my mom worked I had to make sure my grandmother was set, fed, and cleaned.. 

Then I also have separation anxieties..  Everything I love the most tends to leave me.. I thank God my mom is still here though.. I am somewhat anti social but when I get around folks I feel comfortable around I am good.. I sometimes feel at ease with strangers than I do people I know the most.. That way they don't know the pain and struggle I have on day to day life..

Besides all the emotions I was going through yesterday on my Birthday.. I can say it turned out to be pretty decent.. I got money, cards, balloons, hugs, kisses, and a dinner.. The most important thing was to still be here to share it with those who love and care for me deeply.. I will be having a few friends over on Friday.. :)

It is What it Is!! No Regrets...

I used to think that so many others had an warp sense of what LOVE & Relationships suppose to be like.. I think it might be me with that problem.. (seriously)...  I am starting to think I live in some type of fairytale love life. The KEYWORD is EXPECT a little to much out of relationships. I have read too many love stories, watched too many movies, and saw too many soap operas in my day..

Wanting that perfect love can sometimes kill everything in it's path..

Now you know that me and my friend was trying to see if it would workout between us. We are still cool but for us to maintain that strong bond in our friendship we got to slow it down. He is still in the process of getting his life back to normal and I am just to STRONG willed to wait.. If that makes sense. It has gotten to the point where we would argue because I didn't understand what was going on,, He is one of those types that you have to beat a word out of.  (I didn't hit him)..

You know he started back working all the time.. When it was time for us to spend together he would be just too tired.. So I was feeling as if he just didn't want to be bothered.. So You know me.. I want to know why there is no time spent with each other.. Then that led into TRACY YOU EXPECT TO MUCH FROM ME.. argument.. I know I've done it in the past.. So I just started backing off.. I would go days with out talking or texting him.. Hayal, the last time I actually saw him in the physical was September 13th.. Yea that was the last time.. So this was around October 1st when it was becoming an issue with me. 

So we took the time to have a very long and deep conversation.. We love each other dearly.. We know that.. He said he rather lose me as a lover than to lose me as a friend. He rather have me for a life time than a short time.. I understand where he was coming from.. It is what it is.. I see that once again. Men only love me for my friendship.. LOL I guess that's a good thing and I am not mad at him what so ever.. Some just aren't ready for what and who I am.. 

I am quite sure no one will ever be.. 

I talked to my Life Coach about this.. He told me that is the best form of LOVE... He goes on to tell me, relationships don't always last just like friendships.. Yet to have someone to love you enough to let you go and find what you really need in your life.. Is someone that truly loves you and know you deserve the best.. 

I'll take that.. 

Just got to enjoy the good..

The other day I was Blessed by someone.. He always comes in the store and he won pretty good the prior week. He told me because I sold him the ticket and that I have always been nice to him. He also have notice the change in me over the last few days.. So he wanted to brighten my day.. Well as you can guess he gave me some money. It wasn't a lot but I truly didn't need what he had given me. He was right though.. It brighten my day because someone was paying me attention. Someone thought of me enough to appreciate my good spirits.. 

So I payed it forward to a co worker.. I also got this feast here for me and the girl I raised.. Me and her been going through the emotional rollercoaster with our relationships. She is also a fellow Libra and we both LOVE SEAFOOD!!  So we  cooked, ate,  watched SHONDALAND Thursday, and talked.. I enjoyed my night with my daughter.. 

You know sometimes we make choices we might not really agree with.. At the time we think it  right..
So last night was a great night for me to express myself, and to have someone to talk to who knows me the best. So I say... We can't dwell on the bad things happening in life.. You just got to enjoy the good.. I am truly Blessed to have people that will still stand by me with all the choices I make.. 

What's the Hold Up?

I am so TIRED of just waiting...

I put some much of my life on HOLD.. 

Why?

Who in the HAYAL, knows....

I just know that pretty soon I will be 39..

Yes my Birthday is 30 days away.. 

I haven't made plans to do anything..

I am waiting to see what my friend wants to do..

Yet, I might be hanging with the girls because he is a last minute 

person.. He is not so predictable..

He say we will do this and end up doing something else.. 

So more that likely I will be with my Girl..

Oh back to the topic..

I am starting to wonder if  things going to always be like this..

See as I stated he is waiting on Jesus.. (which I think it is a cop out).. 

Yes I love this man.. Yes this man is my best friend..

He will always be my best friend regardless..

It's been almost 6 months...

I think my patience is about to run thin... 

Since some of the air has cleared... The Death of Mike Brown!

August 9th... The shots heard around the world..

Mike Brown lost his life by shots from a Police Officer... 

This has not been the 1st in America and I believe it will not be the last..

Police fear Black People especially the BLACK MALE.

The the media went frenzy, hate and bigotry showed it ugly head once again.. This time it was worst than the Trayvon case.. I think that was because Black America is starting to have enough of this.. This is no longer the early 1900's.. This become the new norm.. It shouldn't be this way.. When Mike Brown was killed, this was the 3 Black Male to be killed by the hands of the Police within the month. It made me think it was Kill a Nigger Season.. 

The topic of we kill each other so other see that we don't even care about ourselves.. I thought that was a bunch of crock.. This Black on Black killing is truly wrong.. I think that, yes something should be done about it.. Most of the time it is the product of the environment. Most of these black on black killings are in gangs, drug dealing, low income, and broken home areas.. America was built by US.. So we should have more self respect and pride in our race.. It was THEM teaching us the self hate and brainwashing us to believe we will never be good enough.. 

I do want to see a change in this COUNTRY... I want us to be able to not judge a book by the outside. All of us aren't thugs or trouble makers.. A few bad apples don't spoil the bunch.  I still don't know why more evidence hasn't came out.. It is almost a month now... A man can get killed on the side of the road and they will know whom,what, where, and the time it happened.. SO WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG? 

I believe we should come together demand respect stand on 1 accord... 

We need God and the love of Jesus!! We need healing.. During the Civil Right movement... The people praised the Lord and everyone came together for the unjust... 

I got Love all over me!!

I know it has been awhile for me.. I am sorry that I have lead my readers astray.. I had to get myself together and figure out what was really going on in my life. 

I think the last time I wrote I was telling you all about the person that was in my life. You know he wanted GOD to lead our relationship..  Been a friend for YEARS! The man that knows everything in my life, from good to the bad.. Yea that man.. :)

Well I have also gotten back into church. The conversation with THE MAN really help me let go of my fears and mistrust in the church. My eyes have been open to so much.. I thank him... I know that it has been on my mind. I had missed the fellowship and going to church to receive my word. It was just so much going on and I didn't know how to deal with it. I am overcame it all though.. I still have my days but everyday Thanking the Lord for allowing me to get it right, is a blessing itself.. 

This man is no where near perfect, yet there are things about him that makes him a great and loving person. We built our friendship years ago by just getting to know each other.. At the time we both were going through some spiritual and emotional issues.. So we would talk and talk and talk.. Sometimes you would have thought we were the only people in the world. He and I would be joined at the hip.. LOL Then we lost contact, not completely but not as we once was.. His girlfriend at the time didn't like me. She didn't won't him to have anything to do with me. I really didn't understand at the time. Now over the years I figured it out.. He told me after that relationship ended.. He said he once told her how he felt about me. He also told her no one and he means no one would break the bond that we had together. (You all know me, I was cheesing)... He also said he is always at his happiest when him and I are together. (that right there made me melt, because I feel the same with him)..

So we been going through it since early April.. We have our days but I know this man LOVES me. As I said that he wants God to lead us..  So we have been chilling and letting things take it's course. Not rushing into anything but getting to know each other on a different level. So we won't sacrifice our friendship. He is my best friend and I truly don't want to lose that part of him. We kid about how we have been through different relationships and we seem to always be there for one another when it fails.. Then we always realize we didn't need those people to begin with.. It seems that our failed relationships always gets us closer and closer together.. He was there for me with MC and he was there for me with that woman I dated.  So whose to say that this might not be the man God has for me. 

I get along I think with his family.. His mother sometimes questions me. I over look it though.. She is just being a mother. I am good to him and he is good to me. I think his mother only see the things I do.. Or she just think that a man should do it all. I cook and I coupon. So she sees the things I give him.. She also think I am making him fat because the way I feed him.. Well that's my man.. I don't mind giving him a meal..  I don't mind giving him free toilet paper and paper towels.. :)

All in all I am in a happy place.. Not cause of him but seeing the change in me. I think it took my best friend to show up and give me the reality check. Yea, you know after me and that woman had broken up.. I was just so tired of love and being let down. I became once again depressed.. He got tired.. He was 100% blunt with me. So it took me a few weeks to get what he was saying. Then I realized.. I have always been a snap back type of woman. So why was I drowning myself. I was a better swimmer in this game of life. So I give him thanks for that..

Anyhoo I am sorry that this BLOG was so long.. I just wanted to give you all the run down on what's been going on with me.. I will be back on Friday or Saturday to give you all my input with the Mike Brown situation.. Until then take care...

Love says, “I am here for you… in the good and bad times. I will love you on our good and bad days. I will love the best parts of you and love you through the worst.”

When there is nothing else but to let God...

I had to just come and write tonight.. Today has been such an amazing day full of hope and promises.. 

I had the most in depth, heartfelt, spiritual conversation.. 

Me and the man I've been calling my Bestest over the years.. 

Let me introduce my Bestest.. 

He is an amazing man who is often misunderstood even by me.. :)

He has been one that even before MC was someone I knew was going to always be in my life. 

He brings out the BEST in me and sometimes the WORSE when he pisses me off. ;) (who doesn't from time to time)..

Well in the past we have always been very close friends.. We have  always been able to talk about anything.. Have a debate and agree to disagree.. He is one man that keeps me in my place.. You know I am someone who always got to control every situation and he makes sure to give me an reality check. 

I LOVE this man to the MOON and BACK..

He is my Ying to my Yang..

I speak highly of him.. I guess you all are wondering why this isn't my husband.. I wonder that myself.. I believe in time he will be the one that walks me down the isle. Until he will ALWAYS be my BEST FRIEND the man I call my BESTEST.. 

Anyhoo I hung out with him yesterday.. I tend to always sleep over from time to time when I need to get away from home.. 

This morning waking up and seeing him, something came all over me. I mean I was feeling some type of way and I had to talk about it.. 

Over the years I have been burned by people.. Whether it was work, church, friends, and family.. So I discussed my concerns.. I have been on this spiritual journey over the last few months.. He has always been a spiritual person himself.. When ever I was in a test of faith mode, he was the one I always had turned to..  

I just say this.. When a person can cry, pray, and laugh together... REMAINS TOGETHER!! 

I never experienced this with a friend or family before..

It was like GOD was really speaking through our conversation today.. We shed tears, amazement, and had a very moving moment.. 

Then to hear Tracy, you are the one.. Never think that you aren't.. I am ready for God to lead me to you and be front and center of our relationship/friendship.. I love you and I know you love me.. So lets let God lead our direction..

(do you all know how that made me feel) I NEVER in my life had a man nor woman say that to me.. 

I started crying again.. Then laughed because I saw how serious he was.. Then I felt bad because I thought he was joking at first.. But this man is serious.. So we are going to see where this road is going to lead us.. Just know you all.. I am Happy to still have my BESTEST in my life.. 

I have learned so much from him and he has learned a lot from me.. It just seems in time.. Our paths or going to be going the same direction.. No rush just enjoying life on my way..