A little of what's going on.....

Life.... That is what's been going on... Everyday living with some twist.. Pretty much keeping to myself. Going to work, coming home, and chilling. I've been trying to focus on the directions I want to go. Still  saving money so when the time come to as where I can move. Everything will be in it's place. 

My friend's are starting to wonder when the OLD Tracy will again return. The only thing I can say, "When I find me some peace".... I am still bombarded with stress.. I know everyone will tell you.. "Let go and Let God.." I am doing that very thing, but somethings I wish I could have control over. 

The other day, we got some "NEW" neighbors.. Well it is just one guy, but he is turning this street into a busy bus station or something. I know the other ones are nerve wrecking.. This one is topping the cake.. He is LOUD and always hollering at folks that walk down the street. I am so sick of this GHETTO living. I really people would have some type of respect for others. I see they are TRULY lacking.. I am glad my folks raised me right..

Me and Heaven are having our usually in and outs. Last week he was truly an angel. He was be so attentive and compassionate.. This week.. Let's just say.. I said it on FACEBOOK that he is CUT off..  I really didn't mean it. I am just getting used to his yo yo..  So now I don't EXPECT much from him.. If he comes by fine.. If he doesn't fine.. My life isn't on hold for him. We don't have an commitment anyway. 

Those who really read my blog, knows about me and my mother... I have said this before.. I love that woman to death.. It is just she still wrecking my nerves.. How do I stop her from worrying about things...? How can I persuade her into enjoying her LIFE...  My mother used to be this carefree, outgoing, socialite.. Now she sits in the house.. Worrying about her health... Worrying about her sister and brothers... When she talks to her friends.. It is either about Who Died, What medication she is taking, or What hurts... I mean come on Lady.. Is this still the woman who had men and her feet? A woman who didn't go to a party without the flyest gear... Even the woman who could drink Tanqueray Vodka with the greatest of ease..  I don't get it.. I know once you get older life changes... I still feel that my mother is young.. She is only 63.. Her life isn't over...

As for everything else.. It is the same ole shyt just a different day....... Enjoy your week.. If anything exciting happens.. I will be sure to fill you all in.. lol

Writing it out.....

For so long I bottle my feelings up.. All this free time that I have I continue to hold my grudges and hatred for things that has happened to me... The people who have deeply changed me for life....

I try to break their hold on me. Seriously,  I have been saying for years that I am letting go.. You know that statement is harder to do than to say.. I can say it until my head explodes.. It will still carry some kind of weight on me...

My childhood... As far as I know... I don't remember much... I do remember bits and pieces... I remember crying for my mother to stay home with me.. A few nights out of the week. My mother would go stay at her boyfriend's house. I would be home with my grandmother..  I used to cry until I fell asleep at night.
So now I am trying to break free from my mother.. See when I moved back in with her. I was saying that I wasn't going to leave her again. I said I want to be married the next time I do.. Well as you all have saw.. I am not having very much luck when it comes to men.  It is coming close though to where.. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE...  My mother is now so depended on me.. I don't even think I have time to myself. I don't mind and I love my mother dearly.. She gave up a lot of her life to make sure I was happy.  I need my freedom and my space.. When I am not in the mood to do something.. I really don't want her to keep giving me this guilt trip...

My job.... It is becoming more and more of a disadvantage than anything. I've been hearing stories from a few  people. My manager is and has been talking mad shyt about me. She is questioning people about my life. She want to know this and know that... Well you know it is bad when I have found myself getting hives from work. I am so stressed at that place.. I don't know how to deal with it. It is frustrating me so much... I want to say how I feel about all the changes.. I just can't though. You know jobs are hard to come by so we got to bite our tongues and zip our lips.. I just pray I don't have a heart attack in the process...

Men.......... I truly do dislike them to a point. Two of my exes have been calling. I wish that they leave me alone. I try to be nice yet nice is not working.  I am tired of the types that approach me. I am tired of those who are so different in the beginning then turn out to be like the rest in the end... I am just TIRED of everything..

Me... I hate the things that I've done. I hate all the secrets that I hold within me. To be honest,  I might even hate myself.  I am far from being a bad person. I just hate that my life isn't what I wished it was.. I hate that I can not live my life the way I truly want too.. I hate that I can't loose weight.. I hate that I seek some type of happiness and when I get close to it.. It becomes a living hell.. I HATE THAT I TRULY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE...  I have this warped sense of myself...  I've been abused in all types of ways.. So trying to really grab grips of my life... I just want it all to be set free...

How do I do just that? What process do I need to take? How much of letting go actually work?  What are the things I need to let go? How can I release myself from all the hurts?
These are questions I ask myself all the time... I still trying to seek the answers...

The old saying.. "Let go and Let God"... I've even tried that... I said, God is going to truly take care of those who hurt me...  I am so ready to open myself up.. I want the locks and chains removed... I want these dark clouds to open up and let the sunshine in........... When will my day come? Will I be ready to accept it?

Oooo Light bulb... You Crazy!!!

My woman's intuition told me that something just wasn't RIGHT... Just a few months ago, I ran across a guy that I thought was nice... He seemed to be cooler than a fan.. It also seemed that we had ALOT in common..  As the weeks progressed... I noticed that something wasn't quite right.. I kinda over looked it..

It was until that day I allowed this man to come over to my cousin's house.. I was sick.. It was back when I had bronchitis.. So he was saying that he wanted to take care of me and hold me. I thought that was also strange.. I mean I didn't know this guy really for him to be all giving..

Anyhoo he came over the following week. I was still sick but I was like what da hell.. I do miss being around men..  Why oh WHY did I let this man come around.. He was very very touchy.. He kept on touching me in ways I didn't like. I also told him to STOP.. Then he became some type of devil.. Really rude, very mouthy, and just FLAT OUT NASTY... So I told him to leave and I meant right then. So then I get text messages about how dumb of me to pass up on a good thing such as his self..  I was like Dumb isn't what  I am...

A few weeks passed by.. He apologized. He was saying he just can't help himself around me. (That was the second light bulb click).. I wasn't falling for it, yet I did allow him to text and call.. I did like talking to him. He was funny.. I just had to make sure he KNEW the RULES... We things were kinda looking up. I still wouldn't  go see him or let him visit me. I told him that it was just going to be a time to time phone conversation. I just didn't feel safe around this man.

Last week I was off all week. It was because I had jury duty. So he wanted to met up. Again I told him no. I didn't feel like it would be a good idea. Although I might come by that Saturday with a bunch of my friends.. I was going to be in the neighborhood and it was my friend's birthday.. So when Saturday came  I changed my mind. I didn't even want him to get the pleasure to meet them.. This wasn't a guy I was feeling.. In no way shape of form.. It was because he violated me.. He had no respect for me... So why would I give this man any more of my personal space... Let's just say.. I think he finally has the hint.. I was just not into him... On Sunday he sent this VERY NASTY TEXT... Basically it was on the line that he will no longer deal with me..  I thought that was very funny noting because I was the one giving him the cold shoulder to begin with...

Then one person that I think is such a nice person.. I consider them being a friend. This friend came to me out of concern. This friend was worried about me and this guy dating.. The friend saw that me and the guy had been communicating. They know each other through other circumstances..  This friend was telling me just how crazy this man was.. I found out some of the things that he has done in the past and trying  to do now.. It was becoming a pattern for him. (I knew it) this man was a crazy disrespectful human being..

I told my friend that I had it covered and didn't have to worry about me.. I already knew just by this man's actions and his words.. I am so thankful that I have learned to notice these things.. Those flashing lights are something else... I am glad it never went any further than it did..

I'm not PERFECT..........

I never claimed to be the PERFECT person in the world.. I have had so many downfalls in life. I never claimed to be the victim of circumstances...

I am just a human that has lived life... I am a human that has been through rough patches.. Sometimes I am a Beautiful Disaster...

I hate the way my mind wonders into dark territories.. Nah... Not like those serial killer type minds.. The world of lust, sex, and anger...  It does something to me.  I feel that I am my own secret society.. I know that sounds funny.. Yet didn't I just say,... I am not PERFECT...

It's a shame that I only share my deepest thoughts with a few of my friends.. So the other day when my BFF called and told me she had a surprise for me.. I was thinking it was something that I have been asking for....  I started to feel bad.. Just cause I try so hard to keep my wants to myself...  The funniest thing though... I can't use it...  It is was not the right fit... LOL

So bad to the drawing board.. I need to complete my strap on quest... I think her mind and heart was in the right place.. She has been telling me for YEARS to be true to myself...  I  am trying..

Hey it's Friday Night.. Don't have shyt to do...

As you can see, I have lost my urge or need to blog..  So I just come by every few days or weeks.. I noticed I even bore my readers.. LOL

Well tonight is Friday and I don't have shyt to do.. I decided to just come over here and drop a few thoughts..  .
I am having the thoughts that as we get older there isn't much we wanna do..  It has been hard for me the last couple of years just to really go out.  So today I decided that I got to get to moving.. I need something to do.
I have even decided to try dating once again.. My problem is meeting people. I have a hard time with that. I also hate dating. I think that is why I normally stick to who I know. Once upon a time. I was such a social butterfly. I used to go out with friends every weekend. I wouldn't met any strangers.. I would party hardy and was never tardy.. Now... I think I don't even like to be around most people.

It seems that most of the men I have been meeting don't want nothing but sex.. I hate that.. I already have someone I enjoy having sex with.. I want someone with some conversation. Today I was talking to a guy that I was thinking about dating. I had told him how I hate when we talk.. He always find some way to change the subject and it becomes about sex. I told him I am not looking for a sexually friendship.. So he said, " What kind of friendship are we going to have?" When I said I was pissed.. I was.. I just hung up the phone and never answered anymore of his calls.

Why is it so hard for me?  I don't come off as a slut.. I am very nice and I don't dress like one either.. So why am I attracting these WRONG men? Is this what all men are like now... Should I just stop trying to fool myself and just crossover.. I am still trying to fight my feelings for women.. It isn't what I want.. Yet no man that I have met the last few months are willing to get to know me. They don't want the emotional, respectful, honest relationship..

I want to know where are the good breed of men.. I don't go to clubs much.. These are just men I met in the stores, online, or my job... So what is the deal here...?

My other friends are in relationships.. Although one is in a bad one... They still hanging on just cause they don't want to be alone.. I guess my standards are still to high.. Yet I've been in countless of meaningless relationships... I just don't want to get into another one..

I just want someone to talk to.. I want someone to be there for me... I want someone that I can go out with.. I don't want to continue to be home while everyone else are out having a good time.. Yea it is Friday night and again.. I don't have shyt to do...

My Happy SINGLE Awareness Day.......

I didn't think today was going to be a good day for me.. You know everyone is ALL so MUSHY.. I took it is stride though.. I got a Happy Valentine's Day Text from Heaven.. I also had a few other friends do the same.. They know I never celebrate the day... The last Valentine I did was back in elementary school..  So  I thank them and made the best of it...

I don't knock anyone down about being in Love.. Love is such a wonderful thing when you are with the right person.. I caught all kind of crap when I posted a status on Facebook about Love Fades.. It is the truth.. Someone can love you for years and that ends.. You get tired.. I know I did.. Love always turned to hate on my part..

I called a few friends and wish them the same.. They all are going out tonight to celebrate with their mates.. So I sit here at home thinking and also pampering myself.. I gave myself a facial and a pedicure.. I took the time out to do something for ME.. I LOVE ME so much that I had to do something for myself.. Since right now my life is in such a bind and money is so short.  This is the part that has been getting me down lately.. I don't have money to do anything anymore.. I do know next month.. I am going out of town and I am going to enjoy myself..

My cousin  (my daughter) she brought me some flowers by the house.. I thought that was sweet of her.. She said that I am her Valentine.. I almost shed a few tears, but I held it back.. It is nice to feel LOVED.. It is nice to feel you are on someone's mind.. I appreciated that very much Missy..

I am off the rest of the week because I got jury duty..  Something I was praying that I wouldn't get. So I am taking this week off to be good to myself.. I will also get to see Heaven on Wednesday..  I am loving that and I can't wait.. I hope that everything goes the way it should...

So to all the Single folks out here.. Happy Single Awareness Day...!!!! It isn't so bad...  To all the Lovers in the world.. Happy Valentine's Day to you... I hope that this will continue on and on...

I just Love me so ME...............

Heart.. Heart... Heart... My dear heart....

All this LOVE crap is going to make me have a Heart Attack... Seriously... As I have said in Years past... I don't celebrate Valentine's Day.. So I am out to be the bad, bitter woman to all my friends and family... Which isn't the case...  I am not bitter by no means..

I am just tired of being stepped on and used.. So I take all this with a little grain of salt... Love is a Verb...  Actions speaks so louder than any words can...  All those that told me they LOVED me it wasn't true. I take that back.. It might had faded or whatnot.. Who knows and  I don't care...

Valentine's Day is a day everyone gets all mushy and spend time and or money on their special loves... I for one think it should be a year long thing and not just that one day.. So NO it didn't make me bitter..  I am just more cautious of who gets my LOVE again..

I still have past loves getting on my nerves... All they want to do is fuss.. They want to bring up old shyt..  Stuff I have nothing to do about...  I am not going to let this weekend get the best of me.. If I do, I swear I am going to go crazy... I am at a breaking point to where I might bust a blood vessel....


Enjoy your weekend folks...