To thee be over..

You chase me…

You said yourself; you wanted to get to know me…

At first I didn’t want to start anything with you…

I saw you around, but I never knew of you..

You weren’t my type and It was so new.

After all the weeks of talking,

I started falling…

You promised that you would never hurt me, I was the one that made your life complete.

Cards, hugs, kisses, even date night were so special…

Came close to moving in with you, by that time I knew it was official.

I fell in love with you… Flaws and all….

We shared laughs, we shared cries.. We shared secrets and from my part they were never lies..

Months started passing…. I started to feel comfortable… I told most of my family about you..

I was happy I came out with you…

You started to change, things wasn’t the same..

It became too complacent… The things you used to do, you stopped doing…

You would do things with me not included. Going out of town on trips…

It was a time where we were inseparable. The loneliness I started feeling was unbearable.

My world came crashing down all in one month… You said, “ I don’t have time for this relationship”…

I couldn’t believe… How could this be true.. You said you Love me and you know I love you..

All the changes, all the sacrifices that were made just to make you happy.

You wanted us just to be friends no longer soul mates..

Now I stand here alone with nothing or no one. Missing out on doing things I used to do and facing the world.  I can’t get up enough energy and too embarrassed to face it.

You HURT me in ways you once said you wouldn’t..

I know that things aren’t promised to be forever.. I just can’t forget those words you said, WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER…

Yes, I fell in love with a false sense of a person.. You weren’t completely honest with me. I know this to be true..

I can say, although we aren’t together in the relationship sense of the word. You have been there for when I was sick and down.. Is it that you still care? I’ll never truly know..

I can’t keep going on this rollercoaster emotional ride. You already have another woman by your side.

You say it isn’t like that… I know it is.. It is a true fact…..

I would never be able to trust you again after all the pain you caused me. If that time comes again when you say you want me…

So now that we are friends, it seems you still have a hard time dealing with me. It’s like when I say things about me wanting another, you get so agitated.  When I bring up your relationship with the other, you get so defensive..

I no longer try to read you.. I no longer even care about the other.. I just hope that the way you did me, you won’t be that way with her..

I don’t hate you.. I am disappointed in you.. You broke my heart when that was the last thing you said you would do from the start.

I made a vow to forgive you.. I figured it out you wasn’t the right one for me. I need someone to understand, love, cherish, and inspire me…  I wasn’t right for you.. So as I close this and remember the times that we shared… The good, the bad, the ugly is not going to make me sad… It was an experience that I needed to go through… After all is said and done… Life goes on.. New memories need to be made.. You was a person I loved.. Now, where do we go from here?

It is almost that time.. I am about to head back to work after having 2 months off.. It is so BITTERSWEET cause I know, the same crap will be going on..  I needed this break… I hate that it was because of Surgery though.. Hey who wouldn’t want to take 2 months off in the summer?  I have to get back on the grind though. I can no longer hate work.  I have to wake up every day with positive thoughts.  I have to learn how to like people. Even though there are so many walking around with the lack of common sense.

This recovery time off took me through some CHANGES I tell you.. All that time sitting around thinking of things and people I’ve lost. Whew, it was killing a sister.. I think I cried more these few months than I did when I was a child. Seriously, I felt like I had NO ONE.  People always tell me. Call me… I am not the type of people that likes to call people. I don’t like the phone to much.  Of course if I haven’t talk to you in a while I might spend a few minutes talking.  I don’t think I like texting either..  Well I don’t like the shorthand stuff.  HEHEHE!!  Sometimes I try and figure out what they are saying.

I want to start back going out doing things. I am a single woman with no children.  I got to stop this hermit mess.. Yes, people are going to hurt me.   I know that I am hurting myself also. I try to avoid situations.  I don’t know where and when I got this phobia. I used to be a go out mingle type of woman.  Hey, this is how I know a lot of people.  I might not be in their circle, but I know a quite few.

Not too long ago my Diva (cousin/friend) was talking about how she misses having a Sisterhood.. They type like Girlfriends, Single Ladies, Sex in the City.  The only time I had that type of friendship was when I was in High School.  No, wait I take that back… It was when I had my friends Tessa and Dee..  Those girls were my rock, my sunshine, and my fun times. They weren’t from here but they had moved up here cause of one of their family members.  I trusted those women with my life.  We went out together. If we didn’t go out we would hang out we would hang at the house with drinks, food, and movies.  I told Dee the other day that I miss her so much via Facebook.  She agreed.  I told her it is so hard to find a trustworthy friend here.   She agreed to that too. So I plan on taking trips down there.   I miss them entirely too much.  Plus I she has had more children and I haven’t got to meet them.  She is back in school and it is hard for them to make it up here.  Tessa included.  I have seen her though I think the last time I saw her was about 5 years ago or a little bit more.  I haven’t seen Dee since 2000.

I know that I am not totally over my ending with ex S.O.S. I do miss being in a relationship.  I think it is so much simpler than trying to date numerous people.  I do like dating, but now a days it is so hard to find a person to date.  I mean they don’t want to take you anywhere. Some say they don’t have the money to do this and that.. I do know the next person I date. They will not know that I know how to cook.  It seems once they find out. They stop wanting to take me out. It is like; you know how to cook this and that. So why is it a need to go out?  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Not this time buddy.  I want to experience so much more now. Life is so short. I am not promised tomorrow.   I hated even go near to finishing what I want to do before I am 40. Oh well.. I might not get to anyway…

I am OKAY!!

Today wasn't so bad after all...  I got to see my Diva (my friend, my cousin).. We had laughs and drinks..  I still see that it isn't so bad.. I guess I just needed the laugh and the comradeship. 

I just knew my normal Friday without Dateline was going to be sucky.. Well by Dateline not coming on.. I got to chat and start to mingle with a few people online.

I just got to get myself back out there. I have to stop being afraid of people. I read this picture on Facebook.. Happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.. I totally agree.. I am always thinking about the what could have been's.. I should just think about what it is going to be..

I don't know if it is my Daiquiri's talking or what.. Me and my baby steps.. One day at a time!!!

Even in the midst of loneliness.. You can count on your friends, to cut on the light

As I have had this time to think. This time alone.. This time to go through all my processes... I realized something. I NEVER had a BEST FRIEND... The only people and spirit I have relied on is Jesus and My mother.. Some say, THAT'S ALL YOU NEED... In fact that is to be SO TRUE..  Over the course of the few weeks, I must admit.. I have felt very alone. I have felt that I have to do all things alone.  Thanks for the people who have called and tried to send encouragements my way. I really got to stop thinking I am the only one going through something.. Yea, I gots to get my grown woman on... I thank you Sweeties .. I am the type that does hold a lot in. I am not sure as to why I do these things.. I am hurting. I just try to hold it in.. I am suppose to be the strong person. Today my friend V said something to me.. I tell you.. She was on it.. LOL Gotta love her.

"I would Love for you to put it into play ... I don't like da fact that you're sittin' round mopin' ova someone that could care less.
You have to let go sweetie ... that's what you're havin' a problem doing. You're in Love and want it to work so you're trying to hold on ... but you can't, it's not healthy for you. You have to find a way to let go. & yes I know it's easier said than done ... but look at yourself, really take a good look at yourself ... is this the person you want to become? Or do you want to be the person you once was, yet wiser?
You realize that when you speak things, your speaking the energy and presense of that into existence. I really would like to see you think more positively of yourself ... you think so positively of others but fail to see the same positivity in yourself. We all make mistakes ...  I too have not felt the amount of Love that I give but if you believe in Love like you say, you also know that it has to find you. So don't get down about the experiences and choices that you have had. E'ry thing we go thru is for a reason and you MUST learn from e'ry experience you have. Each trial is a lesson. Take the time to receive that lesson and move on wiser. We're only human & shit happens. We as a people and gender are the hardest on ourselves. Sweetie I know you've talked to others thru their trials ... think about things you've said to them. I know you can do this ... YOU have the power to do this. Remember YOU have to believe in YOU before anyone else will.falling in love w/ folks isn't the problem ... it's realizing that it's not forever, I've been thru it too sweetie. "

It was nothing that I never heard already. From what she says and what the others that I have talked to about my situation... That is what a friend does.. Someone who tries to pick you up when you are down. I am glad that they all care about me. Maybe soon this all to shall pass.. I tell you one thing.. I am ready to go back to work and get my money right again.. I think the rest of this year.. I am going to get me back. I miss Shopping... I miss going out for drinks with my associates.. I miss being being happy with myself. 

Deep down I knew this past relationship wasn't going to work. I was warned.. I saw the signs.. Plus it happened so fast.. So I believe I fell for it because I felt I needed it.. See I don't like being Single. I never had.. So now I refused to be anything else. I am embracing this as I GOT TO GET ME IN ORDER.. This is a mission..  

There is no need for me to keep focusing on what I lost.. She isn't worried anyway.. Right now she is with someone having a party this weekend. All she keeps denying the whole thing. I know.. I believe she knows I know.. It is just her way to keep me in her life and let her keep living her life.. Then look at me.. Wanting her to look and see all the things she has done to me. It is my wishful thinking...  A person won't value you when they can't value themselves and vice versa.. 

So I am going to have me a Exhaling session.. My Friday night is Dateline and America's Most Wanted.. Tonight I am going to add extras.. I making me some chicken and some drinks... 

Happy Weekend Loves!!!!!!

Yesterday I was feeling some kind of way.. I am not quite sure what went all over me.. I became frustrated with things once again. I was wondering why I keep putting myself in situations that I know will affect me later.

  I don’t like being alone. I really don’t.. (Well not alone in that sense)…  So I always linger on to people I need to let out of my life.  I try holding them as friends. Some I hold on to just in case the next person doesn’t work…  Ex-boyfriends, Ex-girlfriends, associates, friends etc… etc…

This is not going to help me seek the relationship I want.. I say I forgive these people who have done things to me. Do, I? Cause the more I think about it. It still bothers me. I still feel that once they done those things, they still doing it. I don’t think I get over it, at all.

So I am finding time to find ways to clear things up.. I disappointed myself. I let myself down… I refused to let it get the best of me anymore. I feel the need to get back to me. I was doing just fine until this last ex…  Once being with her, I realized that I was missing the need of companionship. So that brought all kinds of emotions again.  So here I am picking up pieces of my face…

I don’t know why LOVE always does this to me.  I have truly been in love 3 times in my life.  After those relationships FAIL.. I become so depressed and feeling worthless, I just don’t know why.  I hate to fail at something.  I also question myself to why they never worked..

I had a very good talk with God…  I feel that if I keep myself on track and focus on what is important. I will be ok… My path is leading me to the right destination… It is going to end a peaceful place.  I am going with the flow….

                                                                      graphic from "Mediaatvictory.com



I am starting to get tired of being Misunderstood.  I don't get why people think I suppose to act one way... I don't get why people refuse to listen to my side of things.  Some feel like I complain a lot. Also think that I need to just suck it up and get over it. In some cases that could be true. I have a right to feel though...

As you all know I lost 3 people that I was close to right when I started dating my former SOS. The people I went to have a good time with. The people that I went to when I needed a friend to talk to.. The people who kept me company when I was down and depressed... I NO LONGER HAVE THOSE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

Since I've been out of work due to my surgery. I been to myself. I can't hang out.. Even if I did, who would I hang with. I have been getting a little depressed again. I have too much time to myself. So when I have that time, I THINK A LOT.. Me and thinking don't get along.

So today while talking to my Former SOS.. I became kinda PISSED... I wasn't mad, but I wasn't to happy. We were talking about how I have been acting lately. Yea, I haven't been in the best of moods.. It has nothing to do with the reasons she feel is the problem. She thinks I need to get out meet people and start back doing the things I did before I met her. (she fail to realize) I can't do those things at this moment and time. I am still in recovery. I am still broke.. I no longer have local friends.  As of late she has been dishing that out.. Well DUH!! You are part of the freaking reason..

I can make up and try to reconcile my friendships.. Why though? It was some hateful, rude, and embarrassing things that were done and said. How can I get that friendship back? What if I decided to get involved again in another relationship? They might start tripping again... I don't need that...

What I need for them to know... I have every right to feel the way I feel... You think you know me... Seriously you don't....

Hello Readers.....

I know I have been MIA...  I am ok and I am keeping my head above water... So much has happened since my last post. I sometimes feel that if shyt happens it happens to me and me only.
 I am still coping with my issues.. I am still single...  Which might just remain until the day I die.  I don't have no more love left in me.. I still believe in love... I am just not able to give it.. I realize that my emotions is not capable of dealing with another heartbreak..

Which is odd right now.. The one person who has been here for me, is the one who has broken my heart.. I had surgery back in May on my back...So physically and financially has been really hard.. She has made sure I have everything I need. She calls me everyday to check up on me. Also coming by almost everyday just to sit and talk to me. She knows at this point I have no one around me, besides my mother.. So she tries to give my mother a break.. So I really don't know how I feel about this. We aren't going to get back together... I choose that is not an option for us. I am grateful for her being here.. Really I think she should be. It's cause of my relationship with her left me alone with no friends...

My other issue is with my Insurance company... SMDH!! I pay these people faithfully every week.. It's been so hard for them to hurry up and get my short term disability started... Bills are piling high.. I have called and emailed for the longest.. All I get is we working on it.. I go back to work in July.. I feel like they are giving me the run around until I go back to work. I am about tired of the run around....

The lastly... My new word is NO... I am always the person that people run to when they need something done or want something from me.. I used to be so giving and willing to help everyone out.. Well I am TIED.. I am at my lowest right now.. I noticed that none of those people I break my neck for has even picked up the phone... None of those people have came by to see me.. None of those people even offered just to check up on me.. Well once I get back on my feet.. My word is NO and Fuck You..... I can't be a people pleaser anymore.. I am riding on SOLO and #ICANT no longer.. It doesn't mean I don't love ya... I just can't help ya,......


I am sorry for the long wait.. Maybe sometime soon I will be back on the up and up.... right now Life is boring and I am healing...