GOODBYE MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just wasn't the month for me... I am so lost... I don't really know how to get my happy back... I'm trying.. Lord knows I am trying my DAMN-EST to get it back... There has been NO LUCK for me.. I keep getting hit in the head... I surely don't know where to turn... So I came here to write out my frustrations... I tend to do that.. 

It started off my Grandmother dying... Which it was during the time of my vacation... So just say my mourning took   place while I  was on vacation.. Enjoyed my time off but I miss my grandmother... I still haven't got over that... 

Then the one person I finally felt I could connect with start having trouble.. So we ended the relationship that I lost everything to have... I am still not over it... It seems not to even phase her.. She has been coming around but it isn't the same. I can't even talk about my feelings. I think that is the part that hurts the most. She goes to say.. My family comes 1st... So yea.. Can't argue with that...

Then this week I took ill.. So I been sick all week.. I haven't felt good in awhile but had so much going on.. I ignored it and try to play that I was ok... Well it caught up with me... I am doing better but not my best...

Then just yesterday I got a call from my Aunt.. My uncle died... He died a month later after my grandmother (his sister)... I can't take much more of this..

I spent most of my day crying...  I want my LIFE back... I just don't know how to go about picking up the pieces... 

I'm Cool with it!!

At first I didn't think I could handle everything going on... It was this time last week, I asked the question (via text) to my SOS about our relationship... I my mouth dropped open when I saw the words... "With everything going on with my family, I have no time for this relationship anymore..."  I was hurt at first.. I went into my SELFISH mode... How dare she do this to me? I have sacrificed everything to be with her..  

I know the last few months things were changing, because she had so much on her plate... I respected that.. On days that I was mad at her.. I didn't say anything cause, we all go through the motions... 

So for about a week, I wasn't getting much of an understanding... Just couldn't figure out... 

So today, I had my talk with her.. I let her know how I felt... She finally told me the real reason behind it all.. 

So now I am good... I am moving past this.. I am good with this... I will be OKAY!! I still love her.. Since this breakup wasn't on cheating and lying... I think I can be friends with her...

I can't get back anything I've lost.. But I still have my sanity... That all that matters.. LOL

I am thankful for the experience...

Don't know how to feel!!

Man I tell you.. I just keep getting bombarded... Sometimes I don't think I am just cut out for this... The more I try to move forward in life and LIVE to be happy... A DAMN brick hits me in the face!! I am starting to think I have a freaking OMEN. 

As you all know, I go through depression from time to time.. Some days I think it is because I over think things. Then other days just cause I don't like the way things are.  I want the happiness I had a few months ago.. When I just was so HAPPY.. I finally thought the depression was going to go away.. I need to really go back to therapy.. Things are becoming TOO MUCH for me. 

I am now taking the backseat in my relationship.. I love SOS dearly.. It a BRICK that is being thrown.. You know that wall that comes around in a new relationship... I promised that I wouldn't give up just yet.. I think my emotional state and my need for attention is causing friction.. Her dealing with family issues is keeping her away from me. So she is not able to give me the time and attention I once had.. I HATE IT WITH A PASSION.. I am trying to be strong and understand... (seriously)  I know that her mother and daughter are IMPORTANT...  Why did it have to happened at such a FUCKED UP time..? 

So you know where that leaves me... Doubting myself.. Me feeling like I am being selfish.. Sitting at home with hardly anything to do.. Going to work is about the most exciting thing I have done.. You know I don't even like working..  

What hurts so much,is the fact that I sacrificed  a lot to be in this relationship... So going to see where we go from here... Maybe it won't be long before I can spend  QUALITY time with my girlfriend... Until then, I'll take what I can get.. I wish her mother well though... I wish her daughter can get back on track... 

Love is Challenging me..........

Wow.. How can I really put this all into words... I must have changed a lot... I guess I am becoming a better person... I never knew just how strong I really was until now... If you all have been one of my long time readers.. You know I don't do to well in relationships.. AT ALL!!!!!! 

When I love... I LOVE hard.. I become some what selfish... I want all the time and attention... I used to feel like they were up to something if they didn't call or want to spend all their free time with me.. Yea I am also a smothered lover... ( I am still like that in ways) I just have grown to know that the WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND ME....

In the last few weeks... Love has changed me...  It has also brought forth some challenges... 1st off.. I did loose my grandmother on the 29th of February... It was hard pill to swallow.. I am just glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. She was having such a hard time.. She is now with God... So she is doing just fine now.. 

Once again it seems that me and my S.O.S haven't been spending much time together.. Work and some family matters has taken her time away from me. It hurts inside.  It makes me feel like not even my feeling matter..  (this is when my issues begin).. I am although being the supportive girlfriend.. I am putting aside my feelings and emotional baggage..  Why am I doing this?  It's cause I love her... It's funny.. It used to be a time I would have pitch a flying bytch...  I used to be so demanding in a relationship... *i guess that's why none of them lasted*  ... So this is a challenge for me.. More and More I am becoming a better person.. Not just for myself but for the person I am with.  I just hate these challenges are being tested so freaking close together.. hehehe.. 

I am also on vacation that what took the cake.. NOT ONE DAY did I get to do anything I wanted to do...  I just sat in the house..  I wrote in my journal.. I played my FB games. So yea this has been a relaxing vacation (just a tad)... I can't believe it but I truly miss work... LOL

I didn't do anything wrong, So why should I say I am sorry...

It has come that all those who were once close to me. Is making me out to be the bad person... I know that since me and SOS started dating...I haven't had much time with my friends... I think the last time we all got together was for my Birthday... Even then tension was on it's brink.. Because of the arguing that night... I've been keeping my distance...

We'll since it has been months since I've last talk to them.. I am truly missing them.. SOS has a best friend so she doesn't see what I am going through.. Heck, her and the best friend are roommates... So she doesn't understand when I have my mood swings... I miss bonding with my girls.. Yet, for me it is so hard too... See as far as I go.. I am so different compared to my friends.. They always talk about their men... Have a few that brings their man around.. etc.. etc.. I on the other hand... I am now a Lesbian... SOS is not the type of person that wants to be around my friends... She says those are your friends... You go hang out with them... As I said it is hard.. It is always them, their men, and then me.. I am the solo in the bunch... 

I am also dealing with living this life.. It is hard enough as it is for me.. SO FREAKING HARD... At times I don't think I am even cut out for this... SO their negative words and attitudes.. I try to stay away from.. So they think I just walked off and don't care about them.. So I've been seeing their statuses on facebook.. Yes, I know SOME were directed to me.. I AM NOT THE BAD PERSON HERE...

I happened to fall in love with someone who understands me (sometimes) and I enjoy every minute I have with her... It is just days like this though... They said good bye to her uncle yesterday.. So today she is at home resting and what not.. Im home BORED.. Having to much time on my hands.. Missing her and wanting to be with her.. Yet she is sleep. 

So this makes me think of my friends.. How when I was feeling down.. I could pick up the phone and call.. Just to get a laugh in.. Well it is no more of that... I would have to call and say I am sorry... It will make me feel like I lowered my stance, if I did that. Cause I truly didn't do anything wrong.. They choose to be hostile and negative to me. I couldn't make SOS want to meet them... I couldn't make her come around when I hung with them.. 

So now I am feeling the void in my life... I miss them... I just don't want to admit to any guilty they may feel I did... They don't even pick up the phone to call me or better yet text... So I wonder do they miss me?

Being the strong one... When my own life is complicated....

It's hard loving someone and seeing them hurt. It sometimes make you feel there isn't much for you to do. You just try to be strong for them, comfort them, and give them a chance to grieve. This past Saturday SOS lost her favorite and close uncle. I tell you she is taking it hard, yet she is strong.  I am amazed on how well she is taking it. At first she did a lot of crying. See her uncle wasn't sick. He was laughing and carrying on like he normally does... I haven't known him long, but the time I did share with him was all good fun. He was a nutcase. He was very funny, helpful, and loving... Such a great man.

I've been also busy trying to be there for her and be here for my family. Just today my grandmother had triple by-pass surgery. I haven't gotten to go see her yet. My plans is to go see her tomorrow. Since she is in ICU there isn't much we can do at this time.. They said that everything went fairly well... I hope and pray she comes out back in tip top shape... I know that me and my dad side do g hoe much... I have my reasons.. Yet they are still family and I love them.  Boy when they find out I am with a woman.. Lord they might cut up.. Well not to bad since my sister is a Lesbian herself. They didn't like that much either.. I am the 1st and oldest grand... SO YA KNOW... They stay hard on us...

I helped SOS write out her uncles program for the funeral. I happen to run across a poem that I online a few years back... The author is unknown.. It fits Mr Roy's life perfectly... He will truly be missed... Here is that poem...

He Set Me Free Author Unknown

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,
I'm following the path, God has laid you see.
I took His hand, when I heard him call,
I turned my back, and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found that peace at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Oh yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee,
God wanted me now; He set me free.

I love SOS and her family dearly... I hope that their family will be able to make it through...

SoapBox...

I had this on my FB at first...  I decided to put it here... It will reach a more broader and mature audience... 

Oh how do people forget.....  The other day... I had talk with NEUTRAL Friend... A friend that always LISTENS and NEVER have ONE NEGATIVE word to say to ... She lets me talk and doesn't PUT FORWARD her OPINION to after she has heard everything I have to say..  It's hard as it is trying to stay sane in a JUDGEMENTAL world... So I thank her... (smooches)...

Back to my point... I said this and I will say it again... I never been one that likes gossip... I never been one that like the drama... I DON'T LIKE NEGATIVITY!!!!!!! I never been that type... Most of the time when I am around those who do.. I just sit and listen... I never want to  be the one that someone has came back and said.. "Tracy has said so and so..." NEVER!!!! So I know there are those who are having a GRAND OLE time with my name..  At first I was like oh well... It is what it is... Then when others come back and tell me something... WOW...  I just SMDH.... 

I truly never had a bad word to say about anyone UNLESS they have done some FUCKED up stuff to me...  I feel like this... Expect to be treated they way you treat a person... I don't believe in revenge.. I do believe in RESPECT!!!!!!  So when I feel that I am being DISRESPECTED... I close those doors...  I have the right to do as I PLEASE.. I have the right to act the way I want... I have the right to keep my PRIVATE LIFE to myself... I wish others would RESPECT that...  

Some say I've changed... Nah, not really.. I have problems.. I have issues... I have bills... I stopped focusing on everything and everyone else... I became more focus on myself... No one knows what it means and how it feels to BE ME... So the way I handle things is the way I handle things... It hasn't changed in 37 years and it's definitively not going to change now... 

To those who worry about me... Don't.... I am GOOD.. To those who feel I am full of shyt... Go ahead, it doesn't phase me none... To those who Love me.. Thank You... 

Go ahead folks and enjoy the rest of your Saturday.. I sure in the hell is... :)